


stay unchanged for you

by tfc



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Recovery, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:22:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22553194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tfc/pseuds/tfc
Summary: Five years after high school, Gonta gets a call from Kaito and finds out that Shuichi needs some help. Days turn to weeks turn to months, and recovery is a tough road.
Relationships: Gokuhara Gonta/Saihara Shuichi, Momota Kaito & Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 14
Kudos: 76





	stay unchanged for you

**Author's Note:**

> CONTENT WARNING: descriptions of injury and a suicide attempt  
> graphic descriptions are marked

_ “Hey, man. It’s Kaito. I hate to ask this, but I could really use a favor. You remember Shuichi, right? From back in high school?” _

_ “Yeah, of course.” _

_ “Can you head over soon? I’ll explain everything at his place, let me send you the address.” _

_ “For sure!” _

_ “It’s a big favor. You might have to stay for a while.” _

*****

The building looks old. Maybe a hundred years. It’s still in fairly decent condition, though, so there’s not much to worry about in terms of structural support. That’s good, at least. He heads up to the door and rings the buzzer for an apartment on the second floor; the writing on the little plaque next to the button has been smeared, but he can still make out a bit of Shuichi’s last name.

“Um, Kaito?” he asks tentatively as the speaker crackles, kind of like an old vinyl. He waits another moment. “You there?”

There’s a soft thud, then a sigh. “Yeah, I’ll ring you in,” Kaito’s voice says, though it’s a bit robotic. The PA system must be as old as the building.

There’s a loud buzz, then a click, and he grabs the handle and steps into the lobby of the building. He wonders idly if Kaito will meet him down here, but figured if things are bad enough for Kaito to call him of all people, he might as well make it easier.

He doesn’t exactly trust the elevator, given how rusty the doors look, so he takes the stairs instead. It’s just the second floor, if he’s going by the apartment number, so it’s not that bad. The hall is just as eerie as the lobby had been—quiet and echo-y. It’s a bit unsettling, and his instincts tell him that something terrible happened here, but he can’t quite put his finger on what.

The apartment is towards the back of the hall, but not at the very end, which is a relief. He knocks on the door, and it’s almost immediately opened by Kaito, who looks exhausted. His eyes have dark bags underneath them, he’s slouched over, and he looks older. Not physically, Kaito still gives the appearance of someone fresh out of university, but there’s a tiredness in his eyes that’s usually only found in people far older than either of them.

“You look exhausted,” he says, worried that his tone comes off as accusatory rather than concerned, but Kaito just sighs, smiles sadly, and welcomes him in. “So...where’s Shuichi?”

It looks to be three rooms—a living room combined with a small kitchen, probably a bedroom, and what he assumes to be a bathroom. Maybe Shuichi’s in there. Kaito winces. “He’s...resting right now,” he explains, clutching at his own arms in a defensive manner. “Look, man, I-I wouldn’t be asking this if I had another option, but Kaede’s got work, I’ve got work, and I don’t want Maki Roll involved in this. And I know you probably have your own stuff, but I just—we could really use some help.”

He’s about to respond when there’s a quiet question from the other room. “...Kaito? Is someone here?” Shuichi’s voice asks, and he sounds equally, if not more exhausted. Kaito hurries into the other room, and there’s some hushed conversation. “Oh, uh...hi, Gonta.”

“Hello!” he calls, still standing awkwardly by the front door. Kaito comes back, and Gonta tilts his head in confusion. “What you guys need help with?”

It takes Kaito a moment to start talking, and the second he opens his mouth, a sense of impending doom settles in the pit of Gonta’s stomach. “Shuichi’s...not doing too good. He, ah, hurt himself real bad,” Kaito tells him, voice becoming broken and weak. “We’ve been taking care of him for the past few months, but...we’ve got work. A-And Maki and I are expecting now, I-I gotta be home for her, man, I can’t—I’ve gotta get home.”

There’s tears in his eyes when he finishes, and Gonta doesn’t really know what to say to that. It feels like something’s getting left out, but he’s not about to pry. “Gonta can take off of work, no worries,” he assures Kaito, who looks so grateful it’s almost sad. “Um, can Gonta see Shuichi now?”

“Yeah, o-of course, come on over here,” Kaito says, leading him into the room. Gonta had been right, it’s a bedroom. It lacks any personal touches, though, which is odd. Shuichi’s dorm room back at Hope’s Peak had been very  _ him, _ but this room feels...cold. “Hey, bud…”

It’s almost like seeing a ghost.

Shuichi’s pale, paler than Gonta remembers, and his eyes are empty. Greyer than they are yellow. He looks weak. Not literally, though he does give off the effect of wilting, but his polite smile is hollow. Fake. He’s tucked under the covers, propped up by an obscene amount of pillows but stretched at an odd angle, and his shirt is so big and faded that it just makes him look even more ghastly. Gonta chastises himself silently for being so judgemental, and he beams at his former classmate, trying his best not to let his sudden wave of worry crash over him. Shuichi turns his head slowly over at Kaito.

“What’s going on?” he asks, voice flat and tired. So tired. Gonta has to stop himself from wincing. “Are you switching out again?”

Kaito smiles at him, and Gonta’s suddenly flooded with memories of smiling just like that to comfort dying animals in the forest. Things seem...bad. “I’m...I’m just taking a little while off,” he says, and Shuichi sighs. “I-It’s just for work, I promise you. I’ll be back to visit as often as I can.”

Shuichi doesn’t look at either of them. “Yeah, man, sounds...that sounds good,” he says, and his voice makes Gonta shudder. He sounds like he’s given up. “I’ll be alright.”

“You’ve got Gonta now, you’re not alone,” Kaito tells him, and Shuichi just nods. He smiles, albeit a little strained. “I-I’m not leaving you. You...you know that, right? You’re my best friend, dude.”

A sigh, slow and shaking, accompanied by a wince. Gonta wonders why a sigh would hurt Shuichi. “Thank you. You can—it’s fine, you can go now, I-I wouldn’t want to take up any more of your time,” Shuichi says, and Kaito’s face falls. “You’ve got a wife to get back to, man. I get it.”

Kaito moves to put a hand on Shuichi’s shoulder but decides against it at the last second. “I’ll be back. You can’t get rid of me that easy,” he jokes weakly, and Shuichi hums. “Today’s just one of the bad days. It’ll be better tomorrow, y’know?”

“I hope so,” Shuichi says, voice far too small, and Gonta sits delicately on the edge of the bed, carefully avoiding the lump in the comforter that he assumes to be Shuichi’s legs. He glances over at Gonta and the corners of his lips quirk up. “I see they roped you into taking care of my sorry butt, huh?”

That sounds...concerning. “I’m gonna give Gonta the instructions from your therapist and the list from your doctor, okay? I’ll be right back, don’t get up,” Kaito says, and he moves to leave, but pauses to turn to Gonta for a moment. “Make sure he doesn’t get up.”

Shuichi rolls his eyes, but stays still anyway. “So, um...how you been?” Gonta asks, and Shuichi chuckles bitterly, though he winces and clutches at the blanket covering his stomach. “S-Sorry, Gonta not mean to be too personal…”

“It’s fine, I-I’m just, ah, not really feeling all that great right now,” Shuichi tells him, and Gonta nods. He hopes he’s not making Shuichi uncomfortable. They haven’t seen each other in so long, but he doesn’t seem to mind. “I just hope it’s not too much for you.”

Kaito bustles into the room again with two sheets of paper and hands both of them to Gonta, looking rather frantic. “Alright, so he’s not allowed to move by himself unless it’s for a bathroom break or a shower for another month, and we’re not allowed to leave him on his own for more than five minutes,” he starts, and Gonta’s eyebrows raise. “His dietary restrictions are on the doctor’s sheet. His therapist says we shouldn’t close the door to anything fully. I usually sleep in the armchair over in the corner, just in case. I’m a pretty light sleeper, so if he moves or needs anything, I can usually react in time, but if you’re a heavy sleeper you might want to set a few alarms.”

This is definitely not what he’s signed up for, but if Shuichi really needs this much help, Gonta’s more than happy to oblige. Shuichi, on the other hand, doesn’t exactly look thrilled about the situation. “You really don’t need to do that. You can go home to sleep, I’ll be fine overnight, I’m not an infant,” Shuichi tells him, though that last comment seems to be more directed at Kaito than at Gonta.

“Shuichi. Don’t,” Kaito says, voice shaky and a bit angry. Shuichi falls silent and by the looks of it, guilt washes over him. “His therapist wants to make sure he won’t...do anything. So don’t leave him alone. Please.”

Gonta nods. “No worries, Gonta make sure he stay with Shuichi,” he promises, and Shuichi sighs. “Anything else Gonta need to know?”

Kaito points to something towards the top of the first sheet. “His bandages have to be changed every six hours, so if you’re squeamish, call me, and I’ll come do it,” he says. Shuichi makes to speak, but Kaito cuts him off. “He likes to say he can do it himself, but the last time he did, we had to go back to the hospital.”

Now Shuichi won’t look at either of them. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to be a burden,” he mumbles, glancing briefly up at Gonta. “You really don’t have to do this. I can manage on my own.”

“No, you  _ can’t. _ There’s a reason we have to have someone taking care of you,” Kaito scolds, and Shuichi bristles. He turns back to Gonta. “If you could stay for a week, maybe? I-I just need to get back to work. Visit Maki. Please make sure he doesn’t—”

“Stop talking about me like I’m not in the goddamn room, you’re almost as bad as the fucking nurses,” Shuichi snaps, and Gonta’s never heard him swear before. Kaito looks hurt at that and steps forward to comfort him, but Shuichi doesn’t back down. “Fuck’s sakes, Kaito, I’m not gonna slice myself open again!”

The room falls silent as the shout echoes. A quick glance to Shuichi’s bare arms reveals nothing, so Gonta wonders where… Shuichi’s hand grips the comforter right above his abdomen, and Gonta’s eyes go wide. Kaito looks away, tears in his eyes, and Shuichi looks about to cry himself, but they’re a different kind of tear. Angry. Regretful. Gonta’s a bit afraid to ask for the full story; just this much is a little overwhelming.

It’s still quiet as Kaito grabs his jacket from the armchair he’d pointed out earlier. “Hey, man, I love you,” he says quietly, and Shuichi just closes his eyes, a frown etched across his features. “I mean it. You know that, don’t you?”

The question is soft, timid even, and Gonta suddenly feels like he shouldn’t be part of this conversation. After a while, Shuichi opens his eyes again. “Love you too. I’m sorry,” he whispers, and Kaito nods. “I-I’m not angry with you, I...I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Kaito says thickly, “no grudges. I’ll miss you. You gonna be okay with the big guy here for a while?” He glances over at Gonta, who gives him a tentative thumbs up.

“Yeah. Give Maki my love,” Shuichi says, and Kaito nods, reaching over to give Shuichi’s hand a squeeze before heading to the doorway. “...Kaito? You promise to visit? I-I just—Kaede hasn’t come back yet, so I get worried about these things, I—”

“I’m never gonna let you off the hook, dude,” Kaito tells him. He punches Shuichi’s shoulder, but there’s barely any force there. “You’re my sidekick, Shu. And Kaede’ll be back too, I promise. I’ll call her tonight.”

Shuichi smiles weakly, though it doesn’t reach his eyes. Kaito bids him goodbye, and the front door closes. He turns to Gonta and hesitates. “It’s, ah, been a while, huh?” he asks, awkwardly huffing out the tiniest of laughs. He doesn’t grab at his stomach this time, so Gonta supposes that’s the only way he can laugh painlessly. “I’m really sorry about all this. I told them I could manage on my own, I-I mean, I’m a grown ass man now.”

It’s hard to respond to something like that. “No, no, it’s okay! Gonta not mind helping Shuichi, not at all,” Gonta assures him quickly. “So, um, what Shuichi been up to? Gonta not seen you in really long time.”

At that, Shuichi moves to sit up more, but his face twists up in pain, so Gonta hurries over to support him. His face twitches into something angry, like he’s about to snap at Gonta like he had with Kaito, but it quickly gets replaced with relief as Gonta helps him up. He looks rather embarrassed, cheeks flushed and eyes downcast.

“Thanks,” he mumbles, and Gonta nods, sitting back down on the bed, a bit closer to Shuichi this time. “I-I got a job with a detective agency a little down the road, but I, uh, think that’s down the drain now. It’s just me and my cat. Well, and whoever’s babysitting me now.”

“You not have a caretaker?” Gonta asks. He vaguely remembers his grandfather having one when he was little. Definitely not anything like this situation, all he remembers is that his grandfather couldn’t really do much by himself. “Somebody that can help?”

Shuichi shakes his head. “I don’t have that kind of money. I can’t afford physical therapy either since my insurance doesn’t cover it,” he confesses, and Gonta’s brow furrows. “I’d hire one otherwise. I hate having to ask Kaito and Kaede to do this stuff. I-I can do some things by myself, but it sucks not being able to stand for too long, y’know?”

Nodding, Gonta turns back to the two pages of instructions. “So, um, Shuichi need lot of water, right?” he asks, and now that he considers it, Shuichi looks like he could definitely use some food. Before Shuichi can protest, Gonta’s hopping up. “Gonta gonna go get Shuichi some water, okay? Stay here!”

He’s assuming there’ll be cups in the kitchen, but the cabinets are bare. “I smashed a bunch of stuff before...there’s a water bottle on the counter, in any case, but you really don’t have to do this,” Shuichi calls from the other room, and Gonta glances behind him. Sure enough, a reusable water bottle is standing innocently on the counter. It’s full, so he takes it back and hands it to Shuichi. “You really didn’t have to do that, I-I’m fine.”

The water is gone a few minutes later, and Gonta dutifully refills the bottle. Shuichi mumbles a thanks and takes a few sips before setting it on the bedside table. “Shuichi wanna eat something?” Gonta asks, and Shuichi shakes his head. Gonta doubts that’s the truth. “Has Shuichi eaten at all today?”

“I-I don’t really—I don’t usually eat breakfast anyway,” Shuichi says, and Gonta’s jarringly reminded of high school. The slightly hollow cheeks and eye bags jolt him back into reality. “You don’t have to get me anything to eat, I don’t eat much anyway. I wouldn’t want you to go out of your way.”

“Gonta here to help you, Shuichi,” he says softly, and Shuichi looks away. “It no trouble at all, promise. Does Shuichi wanna eat?”

It takes a moment for Shuichi to finally nod, and Gonta beams at him. “H-Here, I’ll get up, I shouldn’t eat in bed,” he says, arms shaking as he tries to push himself up, and Gonta moves over to support him. Shuichi’s fists clench, his knuckles white, but Gonta knows it’s probably more pride than anything. When he speaks up again, his voice is strained. “You really don’t have to help, Gonta, I-I can do it.”

Nevertheless, Shuichi clearly needs help, so Gonta gently places a hand on each side of his rib cage and lifts, ensuring he doesn’t put too much strain on Shuichi’s stomach. Shuichi manages to move his legs over the side of the bed, and while he still winces, he seems more relaxed than in pain. Shuichi slowly comes to stand, with Gonta still holding him up towards his upper back—he’s a bit afraid he’ll hurt Shuichi by accident if he holds Shuichi’s waist.

It’s then that Gonta gets a proper look at Shuichi, and his heart sinks. Shuichi is still just as lanky as Gonta remembers, but his gangly frame now makes him look like an imprint of a person rather than just an awkward teenager. He hasn’t gotten much taller than he’d been back then either; Gonta’s a little over a foot taller than him now. Everything he’s wearing looks way too big on him, like he’s almost drowning in his clothes.

He helps Shuichi out of the bedroom, biting his lip nervously when Shuichi seems to wince with every step he takes. Gonta’s tempted to just carry him, but he’s not sure that’s the best idea right now. Shuichi’s face is twisted up in pain when they finally stop in the living room. He points over at a comfortable-looking chaise, and Gonta helps him over to it.

Evidently, it takes Shuichi a while to sit down, too. He carefully lifts one leg and settles it, outstretched, on the cushion. He lets out a sharp breath as he puts his hand down for support as he eases himself down. The other leg swings up and over much easier than the first, and Shuichi immediately relaxes once he’s able to sink down so that his stomach isn’t folded. Gonta smiles gently at him, and Shuichi just closes his eyes.

Gonta heads over to the kitchen, still keeping an eye on Shuichi. “So...what does Shuichi wanna eat?” he asks, sifting through the cupboards. Nearly all of them are empty, so he checks the fridge instead. “Uh, Shuichi? You not have a lot of groceries…”

“Right, sorry,” Shuichi says, voice shaky. “I usually order them online, they’re supposed to be here soon. I-I’m pretty sure there’s waffles or something in the freezer. If it’s not too much trouble.”

“No trouble at all,” Gonta assures him. He sets two in the toaster and heads back over to the chaise. He crouches down and looks up at Shuichi. He’s just staring out the window at the skyline, like he’s not really registering anything. “Does Shuichi need anything else?”

The question had been quiet. “Ah, n-no, thank you, though,” Shuichi says, and Gonta smiles. It’s tense. Way too awkward. Not that it can really be helped. “I really appreciate your help, but you don’t have to worry too much.”

Gonta nods, but he realizes he’ll probably need some clothes if he’s taking care of Shuichi for the week. “One second, Gonta will be right back,” he says, and he heads a bit away to pull out his phone and dial Ryoma’s number. “Hey! Ah, can Gonta ask you something?”

“Sure thing, man, what’s up?” Ryoma’s voice asks from the speakers, a bit robotic. Maybe the service just isn’t good here. “I’m on my way back to the apartment, I left my phone at Kirumi’s place, I had to pick it up.”

He smiles at the thought of his two friends. They’re so cute together; Gonta wishes he had something like that. “Can you bring over some clothes? Gonta staying with Shuichi—does Ryoma remember from high school? Gonta staying with him for a little bit,” he explains, and Ryoma hums. “Oh! And maybe Gonta’s charger?”

The sound of the garage opening starts. “No problem, I’ve got it,” Ryoma says. “If you don’t mind my asking, why are you staying with him? Hasn’t it been, like, five years?”

“Yeah, but Kaito called and told Gonta that Shuichi need help, so Gonta helping out over here for a little while,” Gonta says, and Ryoma hums again. “Gonta gonna send you the address. Thanks so much, Ryoma.”

“Of course, man. I’ll see you,” Ryoma says, and Gonta can hear the vague jingling of keys over the line. “Stay safe.”

Gonta bids him goodbye and heads back over to the kitchen. He peeks over at Shuichi, just to make sure he’s okay; he’s just sitting on the chaise, scrolling through a TV streaming service that Gonta can’t remember the name of. There’s paper plates on the counter, and the waffles are done, so he plates them and takes a plastic knife—they’re by the plates on the counter—and heads over to Shuichi.

“Hm? Oh, thank you, Gonta, you really didn’t have to,” Shuichi says as Gonta hands him the plate. Gonta just nods. “So, uh, what have you been up to? W-We talked a whole bunch about me, I feel bad for not having asked you anything about your life. It’s...been a while since I last saw you.”

Shuichi takes a tentative bite, small but still something, and Gonta lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “Well, uh, Gonta got job with really good lab! Gonta gets to study bug friends all day, so it’s very nice job,” Gonta says, smiling nervously. Shuichi nods and takes another bite. Good. “Gonta live with Ryoma, since Ryoma work close to bug lab, and sometimes Kirumi comes over and stays in Ryoma’s room. Everybody very busy since high school.”

The first waffle is halfway eaten now. “Still working with bugs, huh?” Shuichi asks, the ghost of amusement lacing his voice. Gonta nods, his smile uneasy. Shuichi keeps eating. He seems really hungry. “You were always really smart about that stuff. The lab is definitely lucky to have somebody like you.”

“Thank you, that very nice of you to say,” Gonta says sheepishly. He’s not exactly sure why Shuichi of all people is calling him smart, but it still feels nice to hear nonetheless. “A-And detective agency is definitely lucky to have Shuichi too! Shuichi always been so smart and clever and nice!”

Shuichi looks unsure but he still smiles weakly at Gonta. The first waffle is gone now. “Oh, there she is, hi, Sherlock,” he says softly, and sure enough, a little black cat is peeking out from behind the TV. Shuichi clicks his tongue a few times and the cat hops down from the TV stand and hops up on the chaise. He scratches behind her ears. “You can pet her, she’s very friendly.”

Gently reaching his hand out, Gonta lets Sherlock sniff him, and she nudges her head against his hand. He smiles softly as she purrs, and he rubs her chin with a knuckle. “She’s small,” he notes, and Shuichi nods. “Sherlock, right? That a nice name. Fitting.”

A quiet chuckle. It makes Shuichi’s face twist up in pain again. Sherlock paws at his leg. “I got Sherlock right after graduation. They said she was abandoned by her mother because she was the runt of the litter,” he says, his voice small as he runs a hand over her back. Gonta scratches behind her ear. “I-I might need some help with feeding her later, if you don’t mind.”

“Gonta not mind at all! Sherlock is very cute, and Gonta happy to help,” he tells Shuichi, trying his best to be reassuring. He really doesn’t mind; Shuichi needs help, so Gonta has no problem providing that help. The last waffle is almost gone now. “Gonta always wanted a pet, but landlord says we can’t have one. Sometimes Gonta can sneak bug friends home! Ryoma not big fan of the tarantulas, though.”

Stifling a laugh, Shuichi finishes off the last of his food. Gonta takes the plate, but not before Shuichi can protest about it. “You don’t have to, really, it’s fine,” he starts, struggling to sit up more, but Gonta’s hand resting gently on his shoulder seems to placate him. Gonta puts the empty plate in the kitchen trash can and comes back over to Shuichi. “Honestly, you don’t even have to stay here. I-I’m fine on my own, Kaito just gets...worried.”

Pausing, Gonta glances over at the sheets of instructions resting on the counter. He turns back to Shuichi and smiles nervously. “But Shuichi’s therapist say that Shuichi not supposed to be alone—”

“I know what she wrote down,” Shuichi says suddenly, sounding rather irritated. Gonta’s face falls. Shuichi seems to notice, and he looks down sheepishly. Sherlock seems tense, ears back and fur slightly raised. “I’m sorry, I know you’re just...trying to be helpful. Really, I don’t want to be a bother. You don’t have to stay with me here, I won’t hold it against you if you don’t feel like dealing with this. I-I mean, we haven’t even seen each other in who knows how long, I…”

He trails off, and Gonta places a gentle hand on his arm. “Even though Gonta not seen Shuichi in a while, Gonta still care very much. Shuichi is a good friend,” Gonta tells him, and Shuichi looks away, though Gonta swears he sees his eyes water. “Maybe...it just feel hard to ask for help sometimes, but you not a bother. Promise.”

Shuichi makes to say something, but he’s cut off by a loud buzz. “Oh, that’s probably Ryoma with your stuff,” he says instead, scratching behind Sherlock’s ears to calm her down. “The button by the door is the one to let him up.”

Nodding, Gonta heads over and presses it. Ryoma texts him to let him know he’s in the elevator, and Gonta suppresses a shudder. The rusty doors still creep him out. He keeps an eye on Shuichi from over by the door. Just in case. It’s not as though he doesn’t trust Shuichi on his own, but those notes were very...adamant...about making sure Shuichi isn’t left alone for too long. There’s a knock on the door a moment later, and Gonta opens it, grinning down at Ryoma, who’s holding both a duffel bag and a few grocery bags.

“These were in front of the door,” Ryoma says, holding up the grocery bags, and Gonta gladly takes them and leads him inside. He glances over to where Shuichi is but says nothing, just following Gonta into the kitchen and handing him the duffel bag once the groceries have been put away. Ryoma looks over at the living room again, but he speaks this time. “Hey, Saihara. It’s been a while, how are you?”

“Hi, Ryoma. I’m pretty okay,” Shuichi says, and Gonta smiles over at him. “Thanks for bringing Gonta his stuff. I told Kaito not to rope anybody else into this...I’m sorry you have to go out of your way.”

Ryoma simply shrugs and starts heading back over to the door. “It’s not a problem, kid,” he says, and Gonta never knows why Ryoma calls everyone ‘kid’ when they’re the same age. It’s always oddly comforting, though. As he opens it up, he pauses in the doorframe. “You stay safe, alright? You’re a good one.”

They bid him goodbye, and Gonta locks the door behind him. It’s quiet, really quiet, and Shuichi is the first to speak up. “Um...if you don’t mind, c-can you bring me the gauze and peroxide? My bandages have to be changed,” Shuichi explains, and Gonta hurries into the bedroom, where a bag of medical supplies is lying atop a desk. He brings them over, and Shuichi lifts his shirt up; sure enough, there’s a ton of gauze wrapped around his abdomen. Gonta moves to start unwrapping them, and Shuichi’s eyes go wide. “Y-You really don’t have to do that, I-I can get it, really, it’s kind of gross anyways—”

“It’s okay,” Gonta interrupts softly, and Shuichi bites his lip, still unsure. Gonta does his best to make him feel more comfortable. “Gonta have lot of experience with wounds in the forest. Not much can scare Gonta off, and Gonta not gonna judge. Shuichi shouldn’t strain, too, so this probably much better.”

Shuichi still looks uncertain, but he doesn’t stop Gonta when he begins to move the bandages. It definitely isn’t pretty. The scars that mark where stitches had been, lots of them, though Gonta can tell there’s probably a lot less than there initially had been. It’s still obviously healing, and the remaining serrated tissue  _ is _ a bit gruesome, but Gonta’s determined not to make Shuichi feel bad about anything, so he simply pours some peroxide on a clean cotton pad and slowly swabs it over the line. Shuichi hisses through his teeth but doesn’t make any further noise. It’s probably because he’s used to it.

Once it’s clean and he’s applied the pain relief medication, Gonta gets new gauze and carefully rewraps it. Shuichi winces a few times, but Gonta knows there needs to be a bit of pressure. When it’s done, Shuichi sighs and leans back again. “Thank you...it usually takes a lot longer. Kaito’s definitely faster at it than me, but you’re much better than both of us,” Shuichi admits with a nervous laugh, though he does grimace. His too-big shirt falls to cover him again. “I was gonna put on a movie. Did you want to watch anything?”

Surprised, Gonta takes a minute to register the question. Shuichi’s brow furrows, and Gonta snaps out of his mini-stupor. “Ah, sorry! Y-Yeah, that sound like fun,” he answers, and Shuichi nods, grabbing the remote from beside him and continuing to scroll through the movies. He glances over at Gonta, presumably for input. “Oh, Gonta okay with anything! Whatever Shuichi wanna watch is fine.”

“Oh, uh...alright. I’ve been trying to catch up on a series, d’you mind if I watch the next part in it?” Shuichi asks, and Gonta gestures for him to go ahead. Slow, grandiose music begins, and it’s in another language—the subtitles are on—but Gonta recognizes it. The first scene starts, and it’s clearly contextualized by whatever came before it, but Gonta has no clue what’s happening. “Oh, um, it’s basically one big bad guy trying to destroy the world and the story follows the heroes trying to stop him. Standard superhero stuff. Kaito was the one who suggested it.” Gonta nods and leans forward to watch.

By the time the movie’s over, it’s almost sundown. Shuichi looks uncomfortable, so Gonta heads over to him. “Does Shuichi need anything?” he asks. He’d been getting Shuichi water throughout the course of the three-hour movie, so it’s probably not thirst. “Oh! Gonta can make dinner if Shuichi want!”

“Ah, no, I just have to go to the bathroom,” Shuichi says, rather awkwardly, and he winces as he sits up. Gonta hurries over, and Shuichi’s face immediately turns irritated, but he still lets Gonta help him sit up nearly painlessly. Gonta opens his mouth to say something, but Shuichi sighs and cuts him off. “I know, I know, no closed doors.”

Gonta wonders if this is simply out of pride or if there’s something underlying that’s making Shuichi so irritated. He’s a bit too timid to ask, and he’s fairly certain that if it’s the latter, it’s a sensitive subject. He helps Shuichi over to the bathroom and waits outside the door. It’s quite awkward, but it’s important, so Gonta doesn’t mind feeling uncomfortable for a little bit. The toilet flushes, the sink starts up, and Gonta breathes a sigh of relief.

He comes into the room and smiles tentatively. Shuichi’s face is devoid of emotion—it’s a bit haunting, really. Gonta doesn’t let his smile waver, though, and he helps Shuichi back over to the chaise. It’s a full trip, in all honesty, but Gonta isn’t bothered by how long it takes to walk Shuichi across the room. If Shuichi needs help, Gonta’s happy to. He’d been such a good friend to Gonta all throughout high school, it’s only fair to return the favor.

Cooking dinner is pretty weird. He’s not entirely sure what Shuichi likes to eat, so he figures his best bet is to just straight-out ask. “Um, Shuichi?” he calls from the kitchen, and Shuichi hums for him to continue. “What you wanna eat for dinner? Gonta not the best cook, but he wanna make something Shuichi will like.”

“Oh, uh, I don’t really have any preferences, you don’t have to cook. Don’t go to too much trouble, I’m not all that hungry anyways,” Shuichi tells him, and Gonta frowns. It’s quiet again, save for the sounds of another superhero movie playing. Gonta’s about to ask if salmon and rice is okay when Shuichi speaks up again. “I-If it’s not too much, would you mind making something with fish? I just haven’t had it in a while, don’t go out of your way if it’s too difficult.”

“It no problem, don’t worry,” Gonta tells him, and he starts pulling (probably unused) spices down from the cupboard. He washes his hands and pulls his sleeves up. The cookware is pretty easy to find, given that they’re hanging from a pot rack, and he rinses them out quickly before filling a pot with water and setting it to boil on the stove. He finds some cat food in the cupboard and sets it out in a tiny bowl for Sherlock. “Shuichi need any more water?”

“Ah, no, I’m alright, the water bottle’s still full, but thank you,” Shuichi calls back, and Gonta nods before moving to season the salmon. Once it starts cooking along with the rice, the apartment is filled with the smell of food, and if Gonta might say so himself, it smells pretty good. “Huh, that’s...it smells delicious.”

Gonta beams, excited that Shuichi’s voice has taken on an emotion other than empty or apologetic. “Thank you! Gonta have lots of time at home to cook, and Kirumi is very good teacher,” he says. It also helps that he’s gotten to experiment now that he’s not scavenging for food anymore.

The salmon comes out beautifully, and he plates a portion for both of them; when he brings the plates over to Shuichi, he looks rather surprised, as if he hadn’t been expecting Gonta to eat with him. It’s a bit awkward at first, with Gonta sitting alone a little bit away on the couch, but Shuichi takes a bite and looks even more surprised.

“This is really good,” Shuichi says once he’s finished his bite, and Gonta beams at the praise. He hasn’t received a compliment like that in a long time. Shuichi still looks really exhausted, and maybe Gonta’s just trying to see the best right now, but he thinks a little bit of life is behind Shuichi’s eyes. “I haven’t eaten much good food lately. It’s usually either hospital food or takeout.”

He’s not sure how he should go about responding. “Thank you,” he decides on, “Gonta glad he can make Shuichi something he can enjoy.” Shuichi nods and goes back to taking tentative bites from the salmon. The rice remains relatively untouched. It’s quiet as they both eat—the salmon really  _ is _ good—and Gonta feels a bit unsettled, like something is off, and he just can’t quite put his finger on why.

It’s probably fueled by the way Shuichi’s staring at his fork. Gonta calls his name, kind of like a question, and he looks up, eyes unfocused. “Sorry, I guess I’m not that hungry,” Shuichi says, and it sounds practiced. “Maybe we can put it away for later.”

Gonta doesn’t really want to argue with him; maybe he can get Shuichi to finish it sometime later tonight. He nods, doing his best to be understanding as he puts the rest of Shuichi’s food in tupperware that he’d found in the cupboard across from the stove. Gonta moves back into the living room to finish his own food, and Shuichi just watches his plate with a blank expression, eyes still empty. The superhero movie goes relatively unwatched.

Once Gonta’s thrown out the paper plate, he refills Shuichi’s water bottle and hands it to him with a hopeful smile. Shuichi holds it, but doesn’t say or do anything. “Shuichi? You should drink some water, salmon was little bit salty,” Gonta tells him. When it becomes apparent he probably won’t be able to get Shuichi to do anything right now, Gonta just heads back over to the couch.

The movie is just as indecipherable as the last one—he should really learn the context—and when it’s done, he’s supposed to be changing Shuichi’s bandages again. The only problem is that Shuichi is completely zoned out; Gonta can’t even get him to sit up. He carefully takes hold of Shuichi’s back and gently nudges him forward just enough to give Gonta room to unwrap the gauze.

As he runs the peroxide-soaked cotton pad over Shuichi’s skin, Shuichi comes back to reality, and he gasps. “S-Sorry! I-I have...sometimes it’s hard for me to focus on what’s happening,” he says sheepishly, and Gonta just waves dismissively as he applies the pain medication again. It’s quiet, but when it’s time for Gonta to wrap it in new gauze, Shuichi lets out a cry of pain. Gonta leaps back, ready to find his phone and call the number on the doctor sheet, but Shuichi extends a hand to stop him. “No, no, it’s fine, I’m fine, I just put too much strain on myself, it’s my bad, ah, at least it’s not like a stitch tore out or anything. With that, I’d have fainted already.”

Absolutely horrified, Gonta has no idea what to say. He decides to just wrap the new gauze around Shuichi’s middle and grab some acetaminophen from the little mirror cabinet in the bathroom for him. “Here you go,” he says softly, shaking out a pill and handing it to Shuichi. Gladly, Shuichi downs it with the water. “You still in pain? Need anything else?”

“Well, I’m never not in pain,” Shuichi says, and while Gonta knows it’s supposed to be a joke, it just makes him feel bad. “But thank you. I’m alright. That’s just...I sometimes sit the wrong way and it just hurts a lot for a second. It doesn’t happen all the time anymore, so that’s good at least; it used to be almost every time I moved.” Well, Gonta doesn’t know what to say to that either. Shuichi seems to sense that, so he just shrugs and takes another drink from his water bottle.

When it comes time for Shuichi to sleep, the trek to the bedroom seems even longer than the one from this morning. Gonta figures it might be harder at night to get moving, especially since Shuichi’s tired. Helping him lay down takes the most effort; making sure his torso isn’t bent too much is definitely something Gonta needs to work on, because he can tell Shuichi’s trying not to let out any noises in pain.

Eventually, though, they’re both relatively relaxed, Gonta curled up in the armchair Kaito had pointed out that morning, Shuichi laying face-up in bed, eyes closed, and Gonta finds himself watching Shuichi’s chest move up and down to ensure that the corpse-like look he gives off is just a look. It’s a little bit terrifying, and Gonta sets up alarms like Kaito had suggested, making sure the loudest one is set for when Shuichi’s bandages need to be changed again.

This week is definitely not going to be easy, but Gonta doesn’t mind helping out, especially if Shuichi needs him.

*****

As it turns out, Shuichi’s in-home therapy appointments are on Sundays, because as soon as Gonta manages to get him to eat the tiniest bit of toast the next morning for breakfast, the doorbell rings and Shuichi’s already groaning. He moves to get up, but Gonta stops him and answers the door in his stead. A professional-looking woman with long purple hair stands in the doorway, and she extends a hand for him to shake.

“I’m Dr. Tsumiki. Is Mr. Saihara home?” she asks, and Shuichi raises a hand from his position on the chaise to signal that he is, in fact, home. Gonta lets her in and she smiles, heading into the living room and standing next to the chaise. “Good morning! How was your week? I see someone new is here.”

Shuichi hums and sets the almost-full plate of eggs and toast on the little side table next to the chaise. “That’s Gonta. Kaito called him so that he could go back to work,” he explains, that same emotionless tone to his voice. Dr. Tsumiki looks over at Gonta and he waves awkwardly. “Oh, uh, you can stay if you want. I don’t mind. Kaito and Kaede usually stay, but that’s because they’re way too worried about this whole thing.”

Dr. Tsumiki’s brow furrows. “Shuichi, I need you to realize how serious your situation is. Of course your friends are worried about you, it’s only natural after something like this,” she says, setting her bag down beside her as she sits on the floor. Shuichi shrugs. Gonta busies himself one the kitchen, preparing a cup of coffee for himself and a cup of decaf for Shuichi. Caffeine had been on the list of dietary restrictions from the doctor. “Now, tell me how you’ve been feeling since we last talked.”

“Fine. I’m fine. Nothing’s really changed,” Shuichi tells her. She nods and writes something down on her little clipboard. “I’m kind of...I still don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to get up in the mornings. It’s not any different. I thought…”

He trails off, but Dr. Tsumiki looks hopeful. “You thought…?” she asks, but Shuichi just shakes his head. She sighs, still smiling sadly. “It’s alright if you don’t want to talk too much about it. It  _ is _ a very sensitive subject. Perhaps we can talk about something else. Have you been enjoying anything? Any shows or books?”

Shuichi nods. “I, uh, started watching a superhero series. Kaito suggested it. It’s kind of silly, but it’s fun. Mindless entertainment, I guess,” he says, still devoid of emotion, and Gonta bites his lip. He brings over the coffee, and Shuichi thanks him quietly. He heads back over to the kitchen and starts drinking his own coffee. “Nothing’s really clicking. I’ve never had any hobbies, not since I was a kid, anyway.”

“It might be difficult for you to do some physical hobbies right now,” Dr. Tsumiki says, and Shuichi sighs. She gives him a sympathetic look and thinks for a moment. “Have you been keeping up with writing down your feelings?”

Rather embarrassed, Shuichi shakes his head. “I...didn’t really think you’d want to read what I’ve been feeling. At least, not lately,” he says, and Gonta frowns into his mug. Shuichi takes a long sip of coffee. “It’s mostly just...emptiness. Feeling numb. Nothing really matters to me anymore. I thought...I thought that maybe it’d be different? A-After I tried to...well, I guess it didn’t really do what I thought it would have.”

Dr. Tsumiki hums thoughtfully. “And do you ever have thoughts of trying again?” she asks, and it doesn’t take Shuichi long to start nodding. “Have you been taking the antidepressants?”

Shuichi avoids her gaze. “I haven’t called for a refill yet, no,” he says, and Dr. Tsumiki looks disappointed, though she tries her best to hide it. “I-I know, I’m sorry, I just...everyone always talks about how failing at it makes them appreciate life more, like there’s some big, magical realization that you get. That they get to see how much people care about them or whatever and that’s...it’s all just bullshit.”

“Do you ever find yourself wishing your neighbor hadn’t found you?” Dr. Tsumiki asks, and Shuichi laughs with no humor in it, like the answer is obvious. His face twists up in pain a moment after. “Whether you believe it or not, Shuichi, there are people that value you. That care about you. Your friends have been coming to take care of you  _ because _ they care about you. You haven’t been alone and you won’t be alone.”

Gonta takes another sip of coffee. Surely Shuichi doesn’t think no one cares. “I’m just...a little frustrated, I guess,” Shuichi admits. Dr. Tsumiki writes something down. “I barely saw anyone before it happened, and now everyone’s just  _ so _ eager to help, it’s sort of like...where were you when I wasn’t so fucking pitiful?”

Dr. Tsumiki frowns and writes again. “Sometimes,” she starts, and her tone is very delicate, like she’s tiptoeing around Shuichi, “people can be overwhelmed with guilt about not doing something to help sooner and go a little overboard with trying to make up for it, especially if they’re loved ones of a victim—”

“But I’m not a victim!” Shuichi says loudly, and Dr. Tsumiki closes her eyes. Gonta’s shoulders tense. Wincing, Shuichi grips at his shirt. Raising his voice must also hurt his stomach. Either that, or he’d moved a bit too forward. “It’s not anybody else’s fault that I’m like this, nobody else hurt me, there’s no good reason for me to be like this! I wish...I wish everyone would just leave it alone.”

His voice had gotten weaker with every sentence. “We can’t leave it alone,” Dr. Tsumiki says softly. “You need help, Shuichi. I know it’s hard to ask for it. You might feel like you don’t deserve it. But you should try not to keep resisting every attempt to help you. Everyone deserves a chance to improve, and that includes you.”

Shuichi just looks away. It’s quiet for a bit, and Gonta feels like maybe he shouldn’t have taken the offer of staying. “Can we talk about something else, please?” he asks, and he sounds so small, so timid. “I just...I don’t want to keep talking about this.”

“Of course we can,” Dr. Tsumiki answers easily. Shuichi’s shoulders slump in relief as she adjusts her clipboard. “Why don’t we talk about what you have planned? Any big ideas coming up? I know your boss took a statement from your doctor about your condition right now. Have you heard from any of your coworkers?”

“No. I think I’ll probably lose my job. My boss is probably pissed he has to give me paid leave for this shit. I dunno what I’ll do if I get back to work,” Shuichi tells her, and she writes something else down. He sighs and toys with the hem of his shirt. “It’s hard to see anything. I kind of don’t want to get my hopes up.”

Gonta doesn’t want to listen anymore. “Um, s-sorry for interrupting,” he says quietly, and both Shuichi and Dr. Tsumiki turn to look at him. “Gonta gonna head out for a little while...that okay?”

Shuichi nods, and Dr. Tsumiki smiles gently at him. “Our session ends in about an hour and a half,” Dr. Tsumiki states, and he nods. She stands and holds out a slip of paper. “If you’d like, I can give you Shuichi’s prescription. You should be able to get a refill at the pharmacy down the street if you have it with you.”

“Oh, Gonta can do that, no problem!” he says enthusiastically, glad to have something productive to do that might help Shuichi. He bids them goodbye and heads out. Sure enough, there’s a pharmacy just a block or so away—close enough that Gonta can see it from the front door of the building. When he enters, it seems like he’s the only one there, if the pharmacist’s rapt attention on him is anything to go by. “Um, Gonta here to get a prescription for Shuichi Saihara?”

He hands the note over to the pharmacist—Seiko, her name badge reads—and she nods, heading into the back and bringing out a little orange bottle. “S-So it’s, uh, one pill every morning, a-and he should only take it once he’s e-eaten,” she tells Gonta, and he nods firmly. “I-If you don’t mind my asking, what happened to the other guy? T-Tall, spiky hair, a little aggressive…I-I’m sure you’re doing a great job too, I-I was just curious...”

“Kaito? He had to work, so he call Gonta to take care of Shuichi for a little,” Gonta explains, and Seiko hums nervously. He hands over his card and beams at her. “Thank you very much! Gonta gonna take good care of Shuichi.”

Seiko just hands his card back and turns back towards the shelves of pill bottles. Gonta takes that as his cue to leave, and he heads back out. Maybe he should grab something nice for Shuichi on his way back. Some lunch, too. There’s a few shops down the street, and he heads into a little knick-knack shop. A bit of personal touch might liven up the apartment; it could make it feel more like Shuichi’s space.

He browses the shelves, eyes passing over cutesy little keychains and tiny ceramic statuettes and all sorts of miscellaneous candles. Honestly, Gonta doesn’t really want to chance smelling any of them. His eyes land on an old-looking novel. Carefully, Gonta reaches out towards it and dusts off the cover.  _ Sherlock Holmes: A Study Of Scarlet _ reads in very pretty letters, and the inside cover says it’s from 1932. Surely Shuichi will like this!

The rest of the shelf is mostly children’s books, so he moves on to the next one. There’s a few odd wall decorations, but nothing he thinks Shuichi would appreciate much. There is, however, a tiny jade cat figurine, and it kind of looks like Sherlock. He picks it up and heads over to the counter, and the cashier rings him up, looking rather bored. It’s surprisingly not much for what he’d been expecting, but that just leaves more money for lunch. He thanks the cashier and heads out of the shop, now with two bags in hand.

Gonta decides to get some pork bowls for takeout at the restaurant a little further down the block from the shops.He remembers that Shuichi had really liked the ones Kirumi used to make for their class in high school, so hopefully he still likes them now. It takes a while, almost an hour, but the restaurant seems very busy, so Gonta doesn’t mind waiting so long. As soon as they hand him the takeout, he heads back down the street and presses the buzzer.

Nobody says anything on the speaker, but he does get buzzed in, so he heads upstairs and opens the door, positively beaming at Shuichi and Dr. Tsumiki as he sets the bags down. Shuichi doesn’t emote. She smiles at him briefly before turning back to Shuichi, never ceasing the writing on her clipboard.

“Maybe you could pick up drawing,” she suggests, and Shuichi hums noncommittally. “It’s a very good emotional hobby for a lot of people. It can really help you express those negative emotions in a healthy way. If you don’t want to keep up with writing about your feelings, you could start doing that instead.”

Shuichi just hums again, and he adjusts the bottom of his shirt. “I dunno. Maybe. Are we almost done yet?” he asks quietly, and Dr. Tsumiki smiles sadly. “I-I’m sorry, I just...you know I hate talking about everything.”

“It’s very important that you do,” she tells him, voice so soft Gonta can barely hear her. “Trust me, I know how hard it is to recover from this. I was so affected by my own therapy that I became a therapist so that I could try to make it easier on people that also go through this. You deserve to be happy. It might take you a week to start believing it, it might take you a year. But if anything is worth hanging onto, it’s the fact that you can always,  _ always _ get better, and there’s never a day that can’t end up as a good one.”

Breath catching in his throat, Shuichi nods and clutches at his arms. “I can try drawing,” he says quietly, and Dr. Tsumiki lights up. If Gonta’s not mistaken, there’s the ghost of a smile on Shuichi’s face. “I’ll probably be no good at it, but I’ll try.”

She seems to take that as a small victory, and she stands as her watch beeps. “Our time is up for today. Try your best to make today a good day, okay?” she chirps, still smiling. Shuichi mumbles a goodbye, and Dr. Tsumiki heads over to where Gonta is. “I’d just recommend to keep doing what you’re doing. If either of you need anything, my number is on the official sheet. Thank you for being here for him.”

“Of course! It no problem, really. Ah, here, Gonta can walk you out,” he says, but she assures him there’s no need and heads out on her own. He locks the door behind her and takes the gifts out of the bag, heading over to the chaise. “Um, Shuichi? While Gonta was out, he saw some things you might like!”

Shuichi turns his head and smiles tersely, taking the book and the tiny jade cat and setting them in his lap. “This is pretty cute. Thanks, Gonta,” he says with a weak laugh as he holds up the figurine. He sets it down on the little side table and picks the book up next. His eyes go wide, and he stares at the book like it’s the most precious thing in the world. “This is...wow, I-I don't know what to say. Thank you. Really.”

He doesn’t set it to the side like the cat figurine, so Gonta figures he must have done something right. He hopes he can keep doing things right. Shuichi deserves that, at the very least. Maybe all of the little things that Gonta can do will add up and make Shuichi just a teeny bit happier. He fetches the takeout and hands one of the pork bowls to Shuichi.

Maybe it’s just Gonta’s imagination, but Shuichi eats just a little faster than he had yesterday.

*****

There’s little change throughout the week. Kaede comes to visit on the third day, and Kaito comes to visit on the second to last, but other than Shuichi being able to sit up slightly with only a wince rather than a wince  _ and  _ a hiss there’s nothing much else that’s different than when Gonta had arrived. Shuichi’s still rather numb to everything, he’s still eating a bit slowly if at all, and he’s definitely not talkative. It’s a bit disheartening, but a tiny change is better than nothing. Kaito looks much less tired though; the bags under his eyes have faded, and he seems a lot more lively.

Gonta’s back is in rough shape, mostly from sleeping on the armchair all week and getting up periodically to check on Shuichi and change the bandages if needed. But it’s probably nothing compared to the others, who have been staying for weeks at a time. Shuichi definitely needs someone here, and while neither of them want to admit it, both Kaito and Kaede had seemed so burned out.

As Shuichi wakes up, Gonta grabs the medical supplies and helps him sit up. Shuichi lifts his shirt up, as has become routine, and Gonta changes his bandages. “Morning,” Shuichi says quietly, and Gonta beams up at him. Gonta pulls away from the now-clean gauze, and Shuichi lets his shirt drop. “So...today’s the last day, huh?”

“Ah, y-yeah,” Gonta says, and Shuichi hums. Gonta can’t discern any specific emotion from the look on his face. They sit in silence for a bit, then Shuichi abruptly tries to stand. Gonta catches him as he winces and doubles over, and he carefully sets Shuichi back upright. “Careful. No standing up without help, remember?”

“Yeah, I-I know,” Shuichi says, though any attempted bite to the words is lost behind the strain in his voice. Gonta wraps an arm underneath Shuichi’s and tucks the other underneath his knees, helping him stand without putting too much strain on his abdomen. “Thanks. You’re a whole lot better at that than Kaito is.”

Gonta chuckles awkwardly. “Um, thank you…?” he says, careful not to let Shuichi fall as they walk into the living room. He sets Shuichi down on the chaise. “Shuichi alright for now? Gonta gonna go get the water bottle.”

Shuichi nods, and Gonta retrieves the bottle, washing it thoroughly before refilling it. As soon as Shuichi gets it, he downs quite a bit of it, and Gonta does his best to smile. “I’m a bit sad,” he says suddenly, and Gonta’s eyes go wide. “I was...glad to see you again. After so long. You’re going so soon, though. We’ll probably lose touch again.”

He doesn’t really know what to say to that. “No, no, Gonta gonna make sure he talk to Shuichi still,” he assures him, and Shuichi just nods, not really saying much else. “A-And Gonta will come visit Shuichi all the time too!”

“I wouldn’t ask you to do that. You have your own life. I’ve already screwed over Kaede and Kaito’s lives so much, I don’t want to inconvenience you like that,” Shuichi confesses, and Gonta frowns at the thought that Shuichi thinks of himself as a hindrance. He bites his lip as Shuichi sighs. “I-I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be such a downer.”

“It okay, no worries,” Gonta assures him quickly, smiling as best as he can. “Besides, Gonta was thinking of staying for little bit longer anyway!”

Shuichi’s eyes go wide, and he quickly makes to protest, but as he sits up just a bit, he winces and eases himself back down. “You really don’t need to do that,” he says weakly, and Gonta waves dismissively, insisting on it. The ghost of a smile appears on Shuichi’s face. “You’re still so kind...thank you.”

So Gonta calls his boss and asks for an indefinite amount of time off, promising to take care of the grittiest work—mostly cleaning terrariums, which most of his coworkers hate doing—when he gets back in return and to write formal reports from his coworkers’ observation files and send them in from Shuichi’s apartment. Gonta certainly has enough money saved up to do this, and he’s not too worried about losing his job, especially given that his lab only has one entomologist, and it’s him.

Shuichi never asks about breakfast, nor does he ever ask for anything specific, but Gonta’s getting pretty good at guessing what Shuichi’s favorites are out of the dishes he’s prepared. He doesn’t like eggs as much as he likes pancakes, and he prefers coffee over orange juice. Gonta likes to alternate, but he supposes today should be the best he can make it, if just to celebrate his prolonged stay.

The list of dietary restrictions says nothing about chocolate, so Gonta packs the pancakes full of little chocolate chips. A fresh pot of decaf—still no caffeine allowed—is brewed as Gonta flips over the pancakes, and Shuichi even comments on how good it smells. He hasn’t done that since the first dinner they’d had. A tiny victory is still a victory.

It’s a lot of those tiny victories that keep Gonta optimistic, actually. A genuine laugh at a joke Gonta makes, a soft smile at a sweet moment in a show, food being eaten more quickly than usual, a shower being taken without Gonta having to bargain about it. There aren’t many that week, nor the next. But they’re still there, and Gonta holds on to those little moments as much as he can. Eventually, he has to call Ryoma to bring more clothes, because there’s only so many times Gonta’s willing to run Shuichi’s washing machine in a week.

They get into a sort of routine by the end of the month; wake up, get the bandages changed, Gonta makes breakfast and feeds the cat, Shuichi eats at least a few bites, Gonta sends in a few reports while Shuichi watches whatever show Kaede or Kaito had recommended the last time they’d visited, another bandage change, lunch, more reports and more TV, dinner, hopefully a shower if Gonta can convince Shuichi, another bandage change, some more food for Sherlock, cleaning the litterbox, and then bed.

A few days into the second month, Shuichi comes back into the bedroom after a shower—not one of his own choice, but at least he’d agreed to take one—and Gonta’s eyes widen when he realizes that it’s his sweatshirt Shuichi is wearing. “Ah, um, Shuichi…?”

“Huh? O-Oh! Is this yours? I’m so sorry, I-I’ll get changed,” Shuichi says quickly, very red in the face. “I didn’t even realize, I just grabbed at whatever I could find, I—”

“No, no, it okay, Shuichi no have to worry about it!” Gonta tells him, waving it off. Shuichi nods and looks away, though he’s still standing, so Gonta helps him over to the bed. He’s getting a bit better at walking, albeit still very slowly. “Shuichi want anything? Water? A snack?”

Shuichi shakes his head. “Um...if you could get my phone, though, that’d be good,” he says, resigned to the fact it would take far more effort to get up and get it himself. Gonta’s happy to help out, so he brings it over, smiling brightly. “Thanks, Gonta. Um, I just...Dr. Tsumiki asked me to show her my sketches when she gets here tomorrow, so…”

There’s one addition to the routine. Shuichi had actually taken Dr. Tsumiki’s suggestion and downloaded a drawing app. He doesn’t think that they’re very good, but Gonta thinks they’re great! Even if they are a bit unsettling. They also seem to be helping a little bit; having somewhere to vent his negative emotions have made Shuichi a tad...well, not happy, but less numb. There’s some feeling behind his words now.

“Can Gonta see? It okay if Shuichi not wanna share,” he says quickly, remembering what Dr. Tsumiki had said to him about boundaries. Sometimes she talks to him after her appointments with Shuichi about how to help better. “Gonta was just curious.”

He hesitates for a moment, but eventually, Shuichi hands over the phone. “You can go ahead and scroll through if you want. They’re still not much better than last week’s, but I kind of like this one,” Shuichi tells him, pointing at the one on the screen. It’s a figure, made almost entirely of scribbles, holding its face in its hands. There’s a tiny white scribble in what Gonta assumes to be its head. Maybe it’s hope? “I-I mean, it’s okay if you don’t like it, you don’t have to feel obligated to.”

“Oh, Gonta really like it! Just...Gonta not very smart, so he have hard time understanding what Shuichi’s art mean sometimes,” he explains, and Shuichi’s brow furrows. “It very pretty, even if it look...sad?”

Shuichi nods. “I was kind of—well, I’m always—yeah, it’s...he’s sad,” he says quietly, and Gonta hums. He scrolls to the next one, but Shuichi snatches the phone away before he can get a good look at the new picture. “Ah, s-sorry, that one isn’t...I don’t like that one.”

A bit surprised, Gonta doesn’t really know what to do. “That okay, you not have to show them if you not want to,” he says softly, and Shuichi smiles weakly at him. “Shuichi feeling sleepy at all?”

“Ah, yeah. I think I’m about ready to pass out,” Shuichi says, stretching his arms out just slightly as he yawns. He winces and puts his arms down again. “Man, I hate it when that happens. I just wanna stretch sometimes.”

He’s smiling, just a bit, and Gonta beams at him. Another tiny victory.

*****

The good days are Gonta’s favorite. There’s far more bad than good, but the good days are so happy and joyful that they feel worth all the struggle. It’s the third month now. They’re having a good day, a wonderful one, really. Shuichi has smiled a lot today, and they’ve been actually talking for once. He learns that Shuichi hasn’t made a proper meal for himself since moving in here—it’s mostly ramen—but he adores baking, and he tells Shuichi all about his most recent expedition, where he’d had to dislodge a coworker from a boa constrictor that hadn’t had lunch in weeks.

They’ve been chatting and joking all day, and though Shuichi doesn’t laugh much, because he still can’t without a little pain, Gonta can tell that he wants to. It’s getting late though, but it’s hard to let go of this day. It’s probably the best so far. Even Sherlock seems cheerful! He takes Shuichi over to the bedroom; it’s not nearly as much of a struggle as that first week. Hell, Shuichi can even take steps without Gonta and not wince at all!

Gonta settles into the armchair after helping Shuichi onto the bed. To his surprise, Shuichi slowly leans over and puts a hand on Gonta’s arm. “Um, are you sure you want to keep sleeping in that arm chair?” he asks, and Gonta just shrugs. It’s not a big deal, and Dr. Tsumiki still wants someone in the same room as Shuichi while he sleeps. “I mean, your back must be hurting, right? I can always get you the air mattress, you know, it’s no trouble.”

“But there not enough room in here,” Gonta tells him, and there’s definitely not. Shuichi frowns in thought and nods. “Gonta okay though, no worries! Gonta’s back does hurt a little, but it not too bad, so Shuichi not have to be concerned.”

“Well, I don’t want you to hurt yourself on my behalf,” Shuichi says indignantly, and Gonta shrugs again. He doesn’t want to ignore Dr. Tsumiki’s orders, but he’s a bit tempted by the idea of a back pain-free sleep. “Here, w-why don’t we share? The bed is way too big for me alone anyway, I’m sorry I didn’t offer sooner, I—”

“Th-That okay! Shuichi not have to share,” Gonta says, feeling his cheeks heat up. Shuichi starts to protest, but Gonta shakes his head. “Besides, Gonta not wanna accidentally hurt Shuichi in his sleep, s-so it fine!”

Shuichi pouts. “You won’t hurt me, I know you don’t toss and turn in your sleep,” he points out, and Gonta can’t really find an excuse now. “I-It’s fine. Honestly. I really don’t mind sharing if you want to get a decent sleep for once.”

Humming, Gonta thinks on it for a moment. He  _ does _ want to sleep on a mattress; he hasn’t in a while, after all. And if Shuichi’s okay with it, then… “Okay,” he says finally, “Gonta and Shuichi can share. S-Since Shuichi okay with it.”

He pauses again before turning the light off and walking over to the other side of the bed. He doesn’t want to go under the comforter just in case it would make Shuichi uncomfortable, but almost as if he can read Gonta’s mind, Shuichi lifts the corner of it and pats the spot next to him. Gonta settles down and smiles nervously as Shuichi turns the bedside lamp off.

It doesn’t take him long to fall asleep. The bed is so cozy, and Shuichi is practically a space heater. Unfortunately, it also doesn’t take long for him to be woken up by Shuichi moving around and hissing in pain. He quickly shakes himself awake and sits up. Evidently, Shuichi’s trying to get up on his own, and it’s not working out too well. Gonta moves around to the other side of the bed.

“N-No, it’s fine, I got it, I just wanted some water,” Shuichi says, though it sounds really strained, and Gonta reaches out to grab him and help him up, but Shuichi waves him off, still audibly in pain. “Gonta, it’s fine, don’t—I don’t need help, I can do it, I’m fucking fine!”

Startled at how aggressive the last statement had been, Gonta steps back, his face falling. But Shuichi’s breathing is still labored, and his face is still screwed up in pain, so Gonta steps forward again, hopefully less imposing this time. His eyes have only just adjusted to the darkness, and Shuichi looks irritated. “Shuichi, it okay, Gonta can help—”

“I don’t need any goddamn help! I did this to myself, I can get through it on my own!” Shuichi shouts, sounding agonized, though Gonta doubts it’s the physical pain that’s making him sound like that. What little light there is glints off of tears streaming down Shuichi’s face, and Gonta has no idea what to do when Shuichi breaks down into sobs.

It’s too much to bear, so Gonta sits down beside Shuichi and gently pulls him into a hug, careful to lift him slightly so there’s no strain on his abdomen. Shuichi’s tears dampen his shirt, and he clings to Gonta, every cry shaking his shoulders and making his lungs rattle. It’s raw and awful and Gonta finds himself tearing up. Like this, Shuichi’s the most vulnerable Gonta has ever seen a person be, and it makes his grip on Shuichi tighten.

The sobs don’t taper out. If anything, they get more powerful, more overwhelming, and Shuichi’s almost-screams are only muffled by the thin fabric of Gonta’s sleep shirt. He’s afraid Shuichi might make his throat raw with the roughness of his sobs, and he does his best to soothe Shuichi, running a hand through his hair and pressing him close.

It only hits him after another few minutes of Shuichi’s cries flooding his ears, that Shuichi hurting himself wasn’t an accident. Sure, some small part of Gonta had recognized that, but he’s never been good about that sort of stuff. The mention of it is enough to make him upset, and ignoring the possibility isn’t really healthy, but now he sees Shuichi, small and terrified and, awfully enough, feeling forced to do something so drastic.

Gonta can’t even understand why.

But it’s not about him, is it? No, he doesn’t get to be scared and upset and shaken by this right now. Right now, everything needs to be about Shuichi—helping him, taking care of him, making him feel happy and safe and appreciated. It’s silly how Gonta finds himself crying as Shuichi drifts off, too tired to carry on sobbing and screaming himself raw. It’s especially silly how Gonta can’t compose himself enough to let go of Shuichi.

It’s scary. The thought that someone so kind to him, so clever and sweet and funny, the boy he remembers not only tolerating Gonta like most of their classmates, but extending a hand of friendship, that someone like that could ever be hurting enough to try and—

No. Gonta can’t even think about it. All he can think about is how he never wants to see anything but a smile on Shuichi’s face, and how it pains him to know it’ll be a long time before that’ll happen. He thinks about how quickly tonight had taken a turn for the worse. The look on Shuichi’s face...Gonta’s never seen a person look like that. He’s seen the look itself before, though. Animals, ones that were desperate and on the verge of dying, ones that knew they weren’t going to be able to make it and were  _ furious _ with the universe that it was going to happen at all.

And he knows it’s stupid to compare them, but he doesn’t know how else to compartmentalize it, really. He’s never been one for serious topics. Gonta’s seen enough hurt for one lifetime, thank you very much. To think, his parents had wanted him to be a doctor. There’s too much pain in the world, not much of it deserved.

Shuichi is sleeping soundly in his arms. Breathing. His fingers twitching ever so slightly. He’s very much alive, and Gonta can sleep too now, can’t he? Does he still even want to sleep? It’s hard to think about sleeping when there’s so much going on in his head. Idly, he thinks about how dehydrated Shuichi must be after crying so much. Ah, he’ll get Shuichi water in the morning. They’ll be alright.

They have to be alright.

The next morning is tense. Gonta tries to ease the stress with breakfast in bed for Shuichi, something he’s only done a handful of times when Shuichi had been in too much pain to even get up, but Shuichi can’t seem to look him in the eyes. His attempts at making easy conversation are only met with noncommittal hums. It seems as though Shuichi’s retreated back into being numb. Gonta feels awful.

Eventually, though, once the dishes are in the sink and Gonta’s walked Shuichi over to the chaise, Shuichi speaks up. “I’m sorry. About last night,” he says, and Gonta suppresses a shudder at the lack of emotion. “I didn’t mean to yell at you. I know you were only trying to help me. I’m sorry, Gonta.”

“I-It’s okay! No worries, alright?” Gonta says, and Shuichi just hums again as he turns his attention to the TV. Gonta grabs his water bottle and hands it to him, still worried about any possible dehydration from last night. “So, um...what Shuichi wanna watch today?”

Sherlock hops up into his lap as he sits on the couch, and he scratches behind her ears, glad that there’s someone to help him out. “I dunno. Is there anything you wanna watch?” Shuichi asks, still monotone, and evidently, every name of every movie and show in existence has escaped Gonta, because he can’t think of anything no matter how hard he tries. He shrugs. “Mmh. Okay, how about a comedy?”

Relieved, Gonta quickly agrees. Maybe Shuichi will smile then. Thankfully, it’s Sunday, so it’s just another few hours until Dr. Tsumiki can come and help Shuichi. Gonta feels a bit useless, but he knows it’s not entirely his fault. He can’t help if he’s never experienced anything like this; he just doesn’t know any better.

Shuichi doesn’t even crack a smile by the time the movie ends. Gonta’s been too worried to pay attention to any of the jokes, but he’s assuming at least  _ some _ of them would have been funny enough to make Shuichi laugh had last night not happened. He frowns, but his shoulders slump in relief as he hears a familiar buzz.

Hurrying over to buzz Dr. Tsumiki in, Gonta keeps an eye on Shuichi. A few minutes later, the usual three knocks sounds, and Gonta lets her in, smiling nervously. She seems to sense his discomfort, but she has the grace not to say anything, instead opting to sit on the floor beside Shuichi. Gonta heads over to the kitchen.

“Tea or coffee, Dr. Tsumiki?” he asks, and she asks for some earl grey. He nods and pulls the kettle out. That’s a newer addition to the routine; Gonta had felt like a rather ungentlemanly host, not having anything prepared, so he’d started offering her a cup of coffee every Sunday morning.

“How are you this morning, Shuichi?” she asks, and Shuichi just shrugs, eyes unfocused. She tries a different route, prompting rather than asking. “I hear you’ve been having some pretty good days lately, yeah?”

Biting his lip, Shuichi nods. “Well, I...yesterday was pretty good,” he admits quietly, and Dr. Tsumiki smiles at him. “It was fun. Gonta and I...we were talking a lot. I like feeling good enough to talk. But it’s like—it sort of feels like every time I  _ am _ happy, it just gets terrible at the end of the day.”

Dr. Tsumiki writes something down and thanks Gonta as he hands her the tea. “What do you mean by that?” she asks, taking a slow sip. It’s still really hot. Gonta hands a mug of coffee to Shuichi and heads back into the kitchen.

“Last night, I...I yelled at Gonta,” Shuichi says after a pause, so quietly that Gonta very nearly misses it, and he feels like he should stop listening now. “He was just trying to help me, but I-I told him that I didn’t need any because...all of this was my own fault. And I know I  _ need _ help, but it’s like I can’t handle having any.”

She thinks for a moment. “It might be hard for you to handle it  _ because _ you think it’s your fault,” Dr. Tsumiki says, and Shuichi hums. She takes another sip of tea. “Was there an argument?”

Another pause. “...No. I-I started crying,” Shuichi confesses, still so quiet Gonta can barely hear him, and Dr. Tsumiki looks rather surprised. “And Gonta...he didn’t seem mad. He wasn’t angry with me, I—he just sort of held me, probably until I fell asleep. I haven’t talked to him about it yet. I don’t know how to apologize.”

“I think it would be good for you to talk about it with him,” Dr. Tsumiki says, and Shuichi looks away. “It might be a little hard for you to bring it up, would you like me to help you? I’m a pretty good mediator.”

There’s another pause, then Gonta sees Shuichi turn towards the kitchen. “Um, Gonta?” he says, his voice much louder now. “C-Can you come here?”

Gonta heads over, still sipping at his coffee. Dr. Tsumiki smiles up at him, and he sits down next to her on the ground. “We usually start these conversations off by getting a perspective from both sides, so Gonta, why don’t you tell me about last night?” she asks, and Gonta hums in thought, avoiding Shuichi’s eyes by staring at his coffee instead.

“Well, Gonta thought we had good day. Shuichi was happy...lot of smiling,” he says, the corners of his lips quirking up at the memory. “But then...Gonta and Shuichi went to bed, a-and Shuichi try to get up, but he couldn’t, so Gonta try to help but he upset Shuichi. Gonta not mean to, but Shuichi was so upset, and Gonta didn’t know what to do. It...made Gonta feel helpless. Not being able to fix it made Gonta feel bad. Gonta not like seeing Shuichi cry, either.”

A hand is on Gonta’s arm, and he looks up to see Shuichi smiling sadly down at him. “You weren’t the thing that upset me,” he says quietly, and Gonta’s brow furrows. If Shuichi hadn’t been upset at Gonta’s attempts to help him, what had made him so upset? “I just...I’m so sorry that I took out my anger on you.”

Dr. Tsumiki writes down something else. “Gonta, how did you feel when all of this was happening?” she asks, and Shuichi’s hand moves back to his lap. Gonta kind of misses the warmth of it on his arm.

“A little scared,” Gonta admits, surprised to be saying it aloud. “Gonta never been in that situation before, a-and Gonta didn’t know what to do. Shuichi was crying and it just feel like...Gonta can’t do anything right. Even with good days, there still bad parts. And not normal bad parts either, it feel cold and numb and Gonta not wanna see Shuichi sad like that. B-But Shuichi should feel however he wanna feel!”

That last bit had been directed more at Shuichi than anything. “It’s hard for me sometimes, y’know? I-I want to be happy, and I want to have more days like yesterday,” Shuichi tells him, smiling weakly. His face falls a bit not a moment later. “But it’s difficult to be happy when every single time I move, there’s that stupid reminder of what I did, and nobody should be obligated to help someone dumb enough to do that to themselves.”

As Dr. Tsumiki scribbles something down frantically, she frowns and glances up at Shuichi. “It’s rather unfair to yourself to say you don’t deserve help,” she tells him, and Gonta nods eagerly. “I understand why it’s hard to accept it, really, I do, but it’s not an obligation to help, it’s a feeling of concern and care.”

“I’m sorry, Gonta,” Shuichi says again. Gonta assures him it’s okay, but he doesn’t seem to take it as an answer. “I don’t want to make you upset just because I’m having a hard time. You really don’t deserve someone bringing you down…”

“But you not bringing Gonta down, Shuichi! Gonta  _ want _ to be here, a-and Gonta  _ want _ to help you because Gonta care about you—so, so much!” he says, and Shuichi’s breath hitches. “It just a little...frustrating...to see Shuichi not care about himself. Because Shuichi should feel good, not bad! Shuichi so great, a-and kind and smart! Gonta never seen or heard a bad thing about Shuichi, and seeing Shuichi talk bad about himself—it just not make any sense to Gonta.”

Shuichi’s cheeks are flushed, his eyes wide and glistening with tears, and Gonta smiles gently, reaching up to brush a tear from his cheek. “How can you think so highly of me when all I’ve done is be a burden to you?” Shuichi asks, voice a little shaky. “You’ve spent so much time trying to help me, and I can’t even accept it properly.”

Before Gonta can respond, Dr. Tsumiki steps in. “I think the best way to thank Gonta for his efforts  _ is _ to accept them,” she tells Shuichi, and Gonta nods as he pulls back and drinks the last of his coffee. “Besides, you said it yourself, Gonta thinks highly of you. Why would he do that if he thought you were a burden?”

“I-I guess you’re right,” Shuichi concedes, and Gonta beams at him. A weak, but genuine, smile back makes his heart soar. Shuichi’s getting there. They’re getting through to him. “I’m sorry, Gonta, I didn’t mean to make you feel unappreciated, I really do cherish everything you’ve done for me.”

“Gonta not feel unappreciated at all!” he assures Shuichi, taking the empty mugs from him and Dr. Tsumiki and heading back into the kitchen. He starts washing the dishes. “And besides, it no trouble! Gonta like spending time with Shuichi.”

A soft laugh. Tiny victories. He sets the mugs in the dishwasher and lets the sounds of quiet conversation wash over him, zoning out a bit. Things are still a bit tense, but they’ve made real progress. Hopefully Shuichi will be able to tell him when he needs help without being prompted now. It’s a long shot, and Gonta knows he’ll still probably have to help most of the time without being asked, but maybe.

Just maybe.

*****

The first time Shuichi full-on laughs, it’s midway through their fourth month together.

It’s quite funny, really. Not the joke that Shuichi had laughed at, Gonta hadn’t really gotten it, just something someone said in the show they’ve been watching, but the fact that Shuichi’s dissolving into giggles and it’s making Gonta want to laugh too. They’re full-on guffawing by the time either of them realize that Shuichi’s laugh isn’t just a tired huff; he’s laughing with his whole body, shoulders shaking and eyes crinkling.

The sight of it is wonderfully nostalgic. Shuichi hadn’t been one to laugh like this much in high school, probably due to how shy he’d been, but Gonta still hangs on to the memory of one of his butterflies landing directly on Shuichi’s face and tickling him so much he’d started laughing like he is now. And now here, in Shuichi’s living room, with Sherlock pawing at Gonta’s foot in an attempt to get his attention as he shakes with laughter with Shuichi, he gets to see that memory again. It’s almost magical.

Suddenly, Shuichi stops laughing, and his eyes go wide. Gonta’s laughter dies down almost as quickly as worry starts to overtake the hilarity. He’s about to ask what’s wrong when Shuichi speaks up. “I-It didn’t hurt,” Shuichi says in the smallest voice imaginable, and he starts tearing up, beaming over at Gonta with a shaky—somehow relieved—smile. “It doesn’t hurt to laugh anymore!”

Gonta’s heart aches in a bittersweet sort of way, and he immediately heads over to the chaise to envelop Shuichi in a tight (not too tight) hug. Shuichi’s laughing, though it’s a bit wet-sounding because of the tears, but at least it’s a good cry. Gonta will take good cries over apathy any day of the week.

“What does Shuichi want for dinner?” he asks when they finally pull away from the hug, and Shuichi starts giggling again. When he lets out an unexpected snort, he immediately stops, a hand over his mouth as his cheeks go red in embarrassment. “Shuichi! You’re laughing again!”

Evidently, his excitement is enough to send Shuichi into another fit of laughter, and there’s another one of those snorts, but this time Shuichi can’t stop himself from continuing. “I-I’m so sorry, everything’s just—it’s so funny!” he wheezes, clutching at his stomach. Gonta’s face falls, and he steps forward to try and help, but Shuichi waves dismissively. “No, no, it’s the normal laugh thing, it doesn’t hurt I just—! Hah! It feels good to be able to laugh!”

Still a bit worried, Gonta grabs Shuichi some more water. As he’s drinking, still calming himself from the laughing fit, Gonta crouches beside him. “Gonta so glad you feeling better,” he says, and Shuichi smiles gently. It seems like things are a little less funny now, so Gonta defaults to asking Shuichi what he wants. “What you wanna eat for dinner?”

The next day is a stark reminder that this is  _ hard. _ Shuichi’s drained, numb, unresponsive, and Gonta knows he didn’t do anything wrong, but that doesn’t stop him from feeling like he has. It’s like he can’t even be useful in helping. But he  _ has _ to help, what good is he if he can’t even make Shuichi happy, can’t even make him crack a smile? Gonta feels helpless; it’s worse than those first few weeks in the forest.

At least back then he had some form of control, he could at least try to make his way out of the woods. But now, it’s like he’s stuck adrift in a lifeboat with only Shuichi, and the only person rowing is him. Sometimes it feels like Gonta’s rowing one way and Shuichi’s actively rowing the other way. The good days, the progress that Shuichi’s made, Gonta can’t let that go to waste, so he keeps on rowing. But as strong as Gonta is, he can’t keep rowing forever. His arms are getting tired, and sometimes he gets the fear that Shuichi could jump overboard at any given time.

They argue sometimes. It’s mostly one-sided, Shuichi protesting that he doesn’t  _ need _ to get out of bed today, that he doesn’t need to shower even though he hasn’t for days, that his sheets don’t really need to be washed, they’re still fine, everything’s still fine. Gonta gets frustrated, though, as everyone does on occasion, but he tries his best not to let it show. He knows Shuichi can tell, because those are the days with shorter arguments.

Everything is so damn difficult, so fluctuating, but Gonta can’t give up. He can’t. He gets enough breaks when Kaito and Kaede come to visit, and he’s still paying his share of the rent despite Ryoma telling him he really doesn’t have to, and everything is just so much. All Gonta wants is to help, but he doesn’t know how. Sure, Dr. Tsumiki’s suggestions are always good, and they usually work for a little while, but nothing seems to last.

Maybe something’s gonna stick. Maybe. Gonta just has to keep holding onto hope, right? It’ll all be okay, surely it has to be, everyone’s effort has to amount to something. They’ve made progress, he just—he has to focus on all the things they’ve accomplished! Why is he so hellbent on thinking about how hard it is? Gonta’s never been a negative person, it just must be an off-day for him. That’s all.

Shuichi’s still not visibly emoting by the time lunch rolls around, so Gonta asks if it’s alright to put some music on. It’s met with a noncommittal shrug and a hum, and Gonta puts on a rather calm song. The soft tones drift through the apartment as he cooks some chicken for their salad, and Gonta starts nodding along to the rhythm. It’s one of his favorite songs, too.

To his surprise, Shuichi seems to know it too, because he hears soft humming from over by the chaise. Gonta peeks over, and sure enough, Shuichi is humming—though still with a straight face—and petting Sherlock, who’s hopped up onto his lap. Gonta checks on the chicken, and as soon as it’s done, he sets it to the side and heads into the living room. Shuichi stops, and while he still looks rather numb, his cheeks are a bit pink.

“Does...Shuichi wanna dance?” Gonta asks timidly, offering a hand. Shuichi blinks in surprise and his breath hitches. “O-Only if Shuichi want though. Gonta not want to pressure you…and if it might hurt, then—ah, sorry! Gonta shouldn’t have offered—”

“No, no, it’s alright, I...I’d like that, I think,” Shuichi tells him, trailing off a bit at the end. He takes Gonta’s hand and slowly stands, not even wincing once. Gonta gingerly puts a hand on Shuichi’s waist and steps closer. “Um, I-I can’t really dance. But that’s less to do with the whole, ah—I’ve just...I don’t really dance much.”

Gonta smiles gently at him. “That okay! Gonta not really dance much either. We can just...sway if Shuichi wants to,” he says, and the corners of Shuichi’s mouth twitch upwards, even if just a bit. Gonta can feel his own cheeks heat up as Shuichi puts both hands around his neck. It’s a bit of a stretch, so Gonta figures to hell with his posture and slouches so it’s less effort for Shuichi to reach him. “So...Shuichi like this song?”

They start swaying, and Shuichi nods. The soft humming from before comes back, though it’s a bit more quiet. “You’ve never learned to dance?” Shuichi asks after a minute of them awkwardly swaying on the spot, and Gonta shakes his head with a shrug. “Huh. I figured with your whole gentleman thing that you would have taken lessons or something.” At the reminder, Gonta feels a bit embarrassed. Shuichi seems to sense that, and his eyes go wide as he hurries to reassure Gonta. “No, no, I just meant—! You always were so gentlemanly, I guess I just assumed...but I shouldn’t have, I-I’m sorry.”

“It okay! Gonta just...never had the time,” he admits, and Shuichi nods, stepping just a tad closer to him. That seems to make the stretch a bit easier on his arms, so Gonta presses them as close together as he can get without pushing Shuichi against him. “Shuichi feel okay? This not hurt too much?” Shuichi shakes his head, but the muscles in his arms are straining, and from the little bit of skin Gonta can see from Shuichi’s shirt being lifted slightly, his abdomen is straining too.

At a second glance, it’s not Shuichi’s shirt. Not that Gonta minds, of course, it’s just...curious. “I hope you don’t mind,” Shuichi says. He must have noticed Gonta’s staring. “Your shirts are just a bit...comfier. You know?”

Blinking, Gonta just nods. “Yeah, no, that—that okay, Gonta not mind at all,” he stutters out. He hadn’t even noticed. Maybe Shuichi’s been wearing his shirts more than he’s noticed. Gonta  _ has _ noticed it before, it’s not as though he’s completely oblivious, but the thought that he’s so used to it that he barely does notice...it’s weird. But in a good way. “Um, here, lean into Gonta so you not have to stretch. U-Unless Shuichi would prefer to lie down again…”

“Oh, no, that’s...I’m fine with leaning,” Shuichi says softly, and he hesitantly steps forward, wrapping his arms tighter around Gonta and pressing his head against his chest. Gonta’s arms drape very tentatively across Shuichi’s waist. “Thank you, Gonta. I haven’t danced since that disaster of a prom that Hope’s Peak tried to organize.”

Gonta had tuned out the music almost completely, more focused on Shuichi’s gentle humming than anything else. But the soft tunes still flow; it’s an instrumental, but it’s pretty long. Really long, actually. How long has it been since they started dancing? Gonta can’t recall. His face is starting to feel hot—ah! He’s supposed to be a grown adult supporting another grown adult through a very rough time, he can’t think like a schoolgirl with a silly crush. That wouldn’t be good for either of them.

But Shuichi’s head fits so nicely against his chest, and since Gonta could convince him to shower last night, his hair smells really good… “Sh-Shuichi? You okay still?” he asks, and Shuichi just nods, which makes Gonta’s face heat up even more, and he’s pretty sure Shuichi isn’t saying anything about Gonta’s heart pounding out of pity at this point. “Standing for so long not hurting you?”

“No, I’m fine,” Shuichi says, and his jaw moving against Gonta’s body should  _ not _ make Gonta as flustered as it does. The music, thankfully, takes mercy on Gonta, and it fades out to a faster-paced song. Shuichi steps away, and Gonta helps him back into the chaise. Not that he really needs it at this point, but Gonta still likes to do it anyway. “Thanks again. That was pretty fun. I haven’t really been listening to music.”

Gonta just nods and heads back into the kitchen to plate their lunches. God, he has to start keeping his emotions in check. Shuichi really doesn’t need this right now. Sure, them “dancing” had been nice, but it was just the close proximity that had made Gonta flustered. He’s never even had a serious date before, it would make sense for this whole thing to just be his bashfulness at an intimate interaction. Besides, Shuichi hadn’t been hesitant at all, and Shuichi’s dated before, he’s had way more friends than Gonta, he probably knows the boundary between platonic and romantic a lot better than Gonta.

He hands Shuichi a plate and sits down on the couch to eat, handing a tiny bit of salami to Sherlock to placate her when she noses at his plate. Gonta isn’t really hungry per se, but he robotically shovels forkfuls of salad into his mouth anyway. If he doesn’t eat, then Shuichi has an excuse not to eat, and Gonta won’t have that. However, eating doesn’t stop Shuichi from noticing there’s something wrong.

“Gonta feeling fine,” Gonta says before Shuichi can ask the inevitable question, still staring daggers at his plate as though that’ll solve his emotional dilemma. He can’t do that to Shuichi. Not while all of this is still happening. “Just...thinking. No worries.”

Shuichi doesn’t seem to want to take that as an answer. “Hey, if I get to cry all over you, you get to vent about stuff to me,” he jokes weakly, and Gonta just shakes his head. “Come on, I-I don’t want you feeling like you can’t talk to me. At least tell me what’s going through your head right now, yeah?”

Gonta shakes his head again. “Ah, no, Gonta not wanna...it fine. No worries,” he repeats, and Shuichi just frowns. Gonta hates feeling like he’s disappointing people, let alone Shuichi, but he just needs to bury this and let it pass. There’s no point in talking about stuff that’ll be over with soon, right? “Um, does Shuichi wanna watch TV?”

“Yeah.”

He sounds emotionless again.

*****

Month six is when Shuichi’s allowed to go out of the apartment. He hadn’t been for safety and health reasons, but now the doctor says he should be able to go out for just a few hours at a time as long as someone’s with him. Just in case. There’s a lot of ‘just in case’s with Shuichi. The phrase is starting to sound unreal. They head down the street to the closest restaurant at their first outing.

Shuichi is wearing one of Gonta’s hoodies—he almost hadn’t noticed until Shuichi had apologized for taking it—and a pair of sweatpants. “I feel a bit underdressed,” he jokes, sitting in the booth side of the table. It’s one of the ones where there’s a chair on one end and a comfy booth on the other. Gonta had opted to let Shuichi be as comfortable as possible. “I mean, I’m essentially in pyjamas and you look like you’re about to tell a small company that you bought them out.”

Laughing sheepishly, Gonta shrugs. “Gonta think Shuichi look nice too,” he says, and Shuichi smiles. There’s that stupid fluttering feeling in his stomach again. Gonta really has to stop doing that. Stupid feelings, he’s been trying to shove them down for nearly two months now. “A-And Shuichi not gotta worry about paying, okay? Today is Gonta’s treat.”

“Are you sure? You really don’t have to, I think I still have some savings left over,” Shuichi tells him, and Gonta’s heart sinks. He doesn’t like thinking about month five; Shuichi’s boss had laid him off, and the monthly checks stopped coming, and Shuichi had stopped smiling. Gonta doesn’t want to tell him he’s been paying the rent for the apartment on Shuichi’s behalf and setting the checks Shuichi writes aside. “Besides, I don’t want to mooch off of you even more.”

Gonta waves dismissively. “It fine! Really, Gonta wanna celebrate,” he says, and Shuichi gives him a big smile. It’s genuine, too. The waitress comes over, and she rattles off the specials in a bored-sounding voice. They both decide to get the soup of the day and some water. As soon as she steps away, Gonta turns back to Shuichi with an excited grin. “It been six months since Gonta came to stay!”

A quiet chuckle from Shuichi makes Gonta unreasonably happy. “That’s actually pretty cool. And here I was starting to think you were getting tired of me,” Shuichi teases, poking Gonta’s arm. It feels less self-deprecating and more worried. “...But really. I’d understand if you want Kaito or Kaede to stay with me instead. This must have been really draining.”

Why is he talking like it’s over already? “No, no, Gonta wanna stay with Shuichi, promise,” he says, a little too quickly, and Shuichi looks...embarrassed? Surprised? “Besides, Shuichi been making so much progress! Gonta see you smiling a lot more, and that makes Gonta very, very happy! Gonta not really sure he been very helpful, but...Gonta very relieved to see Shuichi smile, even if it only happen sometimes.”

Bright red, Shuichi stares at him. “I-I didn’t think—oh! Thank you,” he mumbles, startled by the sudden presence of the waitress, who simply hums as she sets down their drinks. “You know, I just...it’s weird to think you care so much. I mean—I know that’s just who you are. You’re a very kind and caring person, Gonta, don’t get me wrong. It’s just strange to look at myself and remember that there’s somebody—well, several people, actually—that feel more...strongly about my happiness than I do.”

“Well of course Gonta wanna see Shuichi happy,” Gonta says, a bit concerned about Shuichi’s tone. “Shuichi always so kind and smart and Gonta really look up to him...it very hard not to care when you’re so wonderful, Shuichi.”

**& &&&&&&&**

At that, Shuichi looks rather teary-eyed. “It’s just a little hard to believe, that’s all. I-I mean, ten months ago I was on the floor bleeding out, thinking nobody would be upset if I were gone,” he starts in a shaky voice, and Gonta really doesn’t like where this conversation is headed. The waitress sets down their soups. He can’t divert his attention enough to thank her. “I was just sitting there thinking, ‘this is it,’ you know? It was like—I couldn’t think of a single person that wouldn’t be able to move on from me dying. I would just be a blip in the system, y’know? And it’s not like I was totally alone, I mean—I had Sherlock, sure, but you know when I did it? I did the stupid thing on my fucking  _ birthday, _ man. Not one call, not one text, just me and my fucking cat and a goddamn kitchen knife. I got stupid drunk smashed all my stupid plates and glasses and figured that if it’s the  _ second _ year that no one remembers me, and I haven’t heard from anyone in months despite texting and calling and texting and—I just sort of figured I might as well! A-And it’s not even that I wanted to! No, I-I was even crying for the first bit of it! Then I picked up that knife and I just felt everything sorta stop. It was like I knew exactly what I was going to do, I’d been planning it for a long time, I had a stupid little note and everything; I just hadn’t fallen to that point of certainty yet. I just felt so fucking numb, I...it was so easy to just sit down and—fuck… The cutting was the worst bit of it by far. I forgot to gag myself. That’s how my neighbor knew to call the cops. Later on, they told me she said I was screaming like I was getting murdered. I mean, I knew I was screaming, because that hurt like a bitch—God, going for the stomach was such a stupid idea. If I’d had slit my wrists I figured it would have been much faster, but I wanted to suffer, in a way. Maybe part of it was because then somebody would find me, but it was mostly me just punishing myself again. I convinced myself that it was all my fault, that I drove everybody away anyhow, and a little pain wasn’t going to stop me. But, ah, the knife got stuck! It did—it got stuck right in the center, and I had to drive it across, and that push took the last out of me, and I just remember my door unlocking and my neighbor fucking screaming at the top of her lungs because she found the spare key, and there I was, blood fucking everywhere, lying on the floor with a knife sticking out of my stomach, and—!”

“Shuichi,” Gonta says, trembling, “please…”

Shuichi doesn’t stop, though. He’s sobbing and smiling and people are staring now as he tells it like it’s some kind of big joke. “Then I woke up in the hospital, a-and all I could feel was just—I was so angry that it didn’t work, because now I couldn’t even take a piss on my own, and there were stupid dissolvable stitches in my guts because I cut them open, and the surgeons had to eventually cauterize my organs because I kept purposefully tearing them open so I wouldn’t have to talk to the therapist in the ward,” he says, laughing with no humor and shoving away tears like they’re nothing. “I went through months! Months of that shit! Months of trying to rip myself open over and over again so that it would fucking end! And then Kaito and Kaede finally decide it’s time to fucking step up because I had them listed as my emergency contacts! A-And then Kaede leaves because it’s too much for her to handle, and then Kaito leaves for the same stupid fucking reason, and they leave me with you! You, who I hadn’t seen in five goddamn years! And as it turns out, you’re the only one who can put up with me! You and your nice face and your good-smelling clothes and your endless fucking optimism…! Everybody gave up on me! My job, my parents, my friends, but not you! Nope! You just  _ had _ to insist I could get better! And now I can’t even be mad at you for it because you’re too fucking nice, and I’m happier than I’ve been in years, and I can’t tell whether to love you or hate you for it!”

He’s laughing hysterically at this point, nearly unable to breathe as he cries, and Gonta takes the liberty of moving their soups to the side of the table. The restaurant has gone quiet now. Shuichi collapses in a heap on the table, shoulders heaving and voice cracking with every shuddering breath. Gonta slides next to him—it’s a tight fit, so he has to pull Shuichi onto his lap just a bit—and he just holds him. He’s not entirely sure what to do with all of that, but he knows he can still hold Shuichi as he cries.

Shuichi clings to him almost on instinct, burying his face in Gonta’s neck and clutching at his shirt. Their waitress looks horrified. “C-Can we get the check?” Gonta asks quietly, and she just waves both hands frantically. The manager steps in to tell him it’s on the house. He tucks a hand underneath Shuichi’s knees and carefully slides them out of the booth, the other hand holding his head. “Let’s go home…”

**& &&&&&&&**

The walk down the street feels a lot shorter than it had initially, but Gonta assumes that’s due to the shock of what had just happened. That much detail is  _ way _ too much for him to handle, so he just takes Shuichi up the stairs—he still doesn’t trust that elevator—and sets him down on top of the bed; Shuichi must have passed out at some point during the walk.

Gonta immediately heads into the bathroom to throw up.

He’s never been good at dealing with stress, much less something like that. It’s awful that it had happened in public; he knows Shuichi’s going to be completely embarrassed and ashamed, and Gonta honestly has no idea how he’s going to console him. Gonta’s response to bad feelings has always been to get it out of his system, but he doesn’t know  _ how _ to with this, so his body has settled for the next best thing, evidently.

Shaking, he stands again and flushes the toilet, moving to brush his teeth. Before he does, he stares at the water for a little while. If he just focuses on the way it swirls down the drain right now, he doesn’t have to focus on much else. So he brushes his teeth, still staring at the center of the sink. It’s probably longer than it should take him, but he really,  _ really _ doesn’t want to go back into the bedroom to sit with Shuichi until he wakes up.

Shuichi, who’s wearing his hoodie and snoring a tiny bit. Shuichi, who Gonta really doesn’t fully understand. Shuichi, who just broke down into tears at a restaurant and described something so awful in such vivid detail. This is definitely not the Shuichi that Gonta remembers. But that’s what he’d signed up for, right? A Shuichi that needs help and care and is exhausting to deal with sometimes but whose good days are worth every bad one tenfold.

Time ticks away as he sits by Shuichi in that stupid armchair, almost afraid of climbing into the bed with him. Sherlock hops up on his lap after what Gonta thinks is an hour, but it could be a week for all he knows. For what it feels like. Shuichi stirs after a bit, so Gonta gently sets Sherlock on the floor and rushes to his side.

“Mmh...whuh time’s it?” Shuichi asks, in that wonderfully sleepy voice that Gonta absolutely adores waking up to. Shuichi sits up just a bit and glances at the sky out the window, then back at Gonta. “S’it nighttime already? I’m kinda thirsty.”

Something awful rears its head within Gonta. “You’re...thirsty?” he asks, voice deadly quiet, and Shuichi seems to wake up really quickly at the tone. That terrible feeling is still gnashing it’s teeth, though, and the pulsing grief doesn’t stop. “You mean to tell Gonta the first thing you gonna say after that is that you’re  _ thirsty?” _

Shuichi looks absolutely shocked. “I-I didn’t mean t—”

“You broke down in a restaurant  _ full _ of people about how you almost  _ died, _ Gonta carried you all the way back home and sat here for  _ hours, _ and all Shuichi have to say is that you happen to be f-fucking  _ thirsty?!” _ he demands, eyes wild. His chest heaves with every breath he takes. He has no clue why he’s so angry, but he’s beside himself enough to curse, which seems to instill a bit of fear in Shuichi. “Do you have  _ any idea _ how worried Gonta was?! You weren’t waking up! You went on and on about how you almost  _ killed yourself, _ and all Shuichi want to say now is that he’s thirsty?! Are you serious?!”

Gonta can’t even bring himself to fret over Shuichi’s sudden tears. “I-I’m sorry, I just—”

“NO! Shuichi not  _ get _ to start crying! You have a clue how horrifying that was?! Gonta thought Shuichi  _ want _ to get better, but turns out Shuichi was only holding on so he wouldn’t make Gonta worry! You have any idea how much  _ pressure _ that is?! Shuichi is the most sweet, clever, amazing person Gonta ever met! Gonta can go on about how great Shuichi is for hours, and you not even able to find one thing about yourself worth holding onto?!” he demands, and Shuichi just stares up at him with wide, scared eyes, clearly holding his breath and biting his lip to avoid crying. It’s then that Gonta realizes he’s been yelling, and— “Oh no...Gonta—oh, Gonta so sorry, Shuichi, he not mean to make you cry, Gonta so sorry for scaring you, so so sorry!”

He steps back, shoulders slumping as Shuichi hiccups. “I-I didn’t mean to—I really am sorry, Gonta, I—!” Shuichi cuts himself off with a sob, though he covers his mouth with a hand to muffle it, still staring up at Gonta. He looks terrified. He’s shaking.

Gonta drops to his knees next to the bed—maybe that’ll make him look less scary—and gingerly reaches for Shuichi’s hand. Thankfully, Shuichi lets him take it, and Gonta tries his very best not to squeeze too hard. “Gonta very, very sorry, Shuichi,” he murmurs, pressing Shuichi’s hand to his lips. “Gonta not mean to scare you—”

“But you’re right,” Shuichi tells him, and Gonta freezes. “I needed to get that out, but that’s for my therapist. Not for you. I-I can’t apologize enough for putting you in that position. A-And yeah, it was a little scary to hear you yell, but you were right. I shouldn’t put all of that on you, Gonta. I should—I have to find something in myself worth holding onto. It was a relief for me, but hearing that must have been...God, I really didn’t mean to spill all of that onto you. You just care so much and I-I sort of figured I could just say anything and you’d just tell me how good you think I am and I’d feel better for a day and we’d just keep repeating it over and over again, but that’s...it’s not healthy. Well, I guess you ended up telling me that anyway, but…”

“Gonta still very sorry for yelling. Gonta not mean to raise his voice at you,” he says quietly, and Shuichi just squeezes his hand and smiles sadly. Gonta bites his lip. “Gonta really do think you’re wonderful, Shuichi. You know that, right?”

Letting out a bittersweet laugh, Shuichi gives Gonta’s hand another squeeze. “Yeah, I do. I’m gonna start trying to think so too,” he says, and Gonta beams at him, trying not to cry. “You must be exhausted...you wanna sleep? I-I know I just woke up, but I’m kind of worn out from everything that’s happened today.”

Gonta nods and starts to climb back into the armchair, but Shuichi grabs his arm and tugs gently, cheeks a bit red. Gonta settles into the bed instead, a good bit away from Shuichi. But he gets a gut feeling like they should be closer together. Shuichi shifts a bit just as Gonta’s eyelids are starting to droop, so Gonta reaches a hand out to touch Shuichi’s. “Um, i-if it not too much, can Gonta...hold Shuichi? J-Just for tonight?” he asks, voice still a little bit shaky. Shuichi hesitates, but he slowly moves back so Gonta can wrap his arms around him. “Thank you…”

“Do you remember that night in the dorms?” Shuichi asks quietly, and Gonta’s brow furrows. A part of him wants to tell Shuichi to just go to sleep, but most of him doesn’t want Shuichi to feel like he can’t talk to Gonta anymore, so he hums for Shuichi to go ahead. “You let me sleep in your room because I had a nightmare. We were cuddled up like this because you said you would protect me from any more of my nightmares. I never even told you what the nightmare was about; you didn’t ask. You were just so...so ready to help me, even though you were exhausted. I took you for granted, a-and I’m sorry. I should have kept in touch, I—”

“Gonta didn’t think you wanted to stay friends after school,” he confesses, and Shuichi tenses, slowly turning to face Gonta. For his own sake, Gonta refuses to open his eyes, because they’re close enough to be trading breaths, and he doesn’t think his heart can take looking at Shuichi’s long, pretty eyelashes so up close. “Shuichi always seemed so happy with his friends. Gonta not wanna get in the way or be annoying, and Shuichi always seem so nervous around Gonta and so...Gonta figure everyone else much better friends for Shuichi anyway.”

He feels Shuichi’s hand come up to hold his face, and he hates the way his cheeks burn under the touch. “Truth be told, I wanted to ask you out more than I wanted to stay just friends,” Shuichi says softly, and Gonta feels his cheeks get even redder. “I thought my silly high school crush on you was so obvious, and it lasted for so long. I didn’t want to bother you with my feelings or anything, so I just kept quiet about it. I wish I hadn’t…”

Tentatively, Gonta opens his eyes again. “Gonta...think that Shuichi might be very tired from today,” he says, being sure to keep his voice even. “Maybe Shuichi not know what he’s saying. It very late after all, and—”

“I know perfectly well what I’m saying,” Shuichi says easily, leaning even closer. “And I’m just as terrified of it as you are.”

Shuichi brings their lips together slowly, and Gonta’s breath hitches; he’s never kissed anyone before. But that doesn’t matter because right now they’re both overwhelmed with emotions, and this isn’t healthy, and this is a direct train to becoming codependent and he can’t do that to Shuichi, and—

He pulls back like he’s been burned, shakily pulling the covers off of him. “Gonta think sleeping in same bed as Shuichi not a good idea anymore, m-maybe Gonta should sleep in armchair for tonight, not let emotions cloud judgement,” he says, getting up from the bed and hurrying around to the other corner of the room.

“What? N-No, no, Gonta, I’m sorry, come back, it’s okay, we can just talk about it,” Shuichi says, doing his best to sit up. Before Gonta can get over to help him, he jolts suddenly, and his eyes go wide as dinner plates. Shuichi’s gaze becomes unfocused as he shifts it up to look at Gonta, and he reaches out. “Gonta—!”

Everything seems to slow as Shuichi’s eyes roll into the back of his head and he collapses back into the pillows.

Gonta immediately stumbles over and holds him close, hurriedly checking to make sure Shuichi’s still breathing. He’s not entirely sure when he’d called the emergency number, but their address is falling from his mouth before he can really register it. The man on the line keeps asking if he’s the one in pain, so Gonta must be crying, because otherwise he’d be able to see Shuichi’s face clearly, and this is all his fault—he shouldn’t have gotten up, he should have just dealt with it, he should have done everything better. He clutches Shuichi as tight as he can without fear of hurting him, head pressed against Shuichi’s heart because what if a heartbeat isn’t there, and what if and what if and what if and—

The paramedics have evidently broken the door down in the midst of Gonta’s panic, because suddenly there’s a bunch of people in white uniforms trying to pull Shuichi away from Gonta and onto a gurney, and he lets them as soon as he realizes what’s going on. They’re asking him questions but all he can do is give them a stuttered-out version of what had happened, and suddenly someone’s wrapping his shoulders with an almost laughably small shock blanket, and he’s being escorted to sit in the ambulance with Shuichi and the rest of the paramedics.

He can’t really move. It’s kind of funny, almost, but not really, because if he can’t move, how is he supposed to take care of Shuichi? How can he hold Shuichi’s hand and tell him everything’s going to be okay when he can’t even move his jaw to say a word? The response to every question they ask is either that he doesn’t know or a mumbled memory. God, he hates hospitals.

They’re always so white, so clean, so terribly perfect. As he sits in the waiting area, the shock blanket having been taking a little bit ago so he can fill out some kind of form, he recalls what it had been like to be wheeled into a hospital. He’d been fine, really. His parents had just been so worried about him, having just returned from the forest. They honestly hadn’t recognized him at first.

Gonta had been much bigger than they’d remembered, and probably a whole lot messier. They’d called an ambulance, and the doctors had checked for malnutrition, gum disease, and a billion and one other illnesses that he can’t recall. He hates needles now—so much blood work had taken a toll on him, and they’d kept him for a whole week just for observations. He’d missed his forest family terribly. Nobody came to visit him. He could barely remember his biological parents back then, and they’d shipped him off to a hospital to make sure he was good enough for them to welcome back.

So Gonta doesn’t really like hospitals.

By the time Gonta manages to fill out the form, they’re calling him back. He supposes that’s good; no surgery, no needles, maybe Shuichi’s awake. He follows the nice nurse into the corridor, then down a long hallway into a hospital room, and sure enough, there’s Shuichi, lying awake—albeit weakly—on the bed. The doctor smiles tensely at Gonta, who immediately rushes to the side of Shuichi’s bed.

“He’ll be fine, just some minor abdominal pain for a while,” the doctor says, and Gonta could almost cry with relief. “Since some of his nerves are still healing from his previous injury, there will be lingering damage. He just happened to irritate one of the damaged nerves.”

“Guess I’m getting on two people’s nerves, huh?” Shuichi jokes, and Gonta is very close to crying at the moment. “I know you’re just gonna blame yourself over this, but for what it’s worth, it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have sat up so fast. I messed up my own nerves, Gonta, it’s not on you. Um, can we have a moment?”

That last sentence had been directed at the doctor, who looks rather startled, but nods nonetheless, closing the door behind her to give them some privacy. As soon as they’re alone, Gonta knows exactly what he needs to say to make things right again. “Shuichi, Gonta very, very sorry for—”

“Don’t—please don’t apologize,” Shuichi tells him, and Gonta tilts his head in teary-eyed confusion. “I shouldn’t have kissed you. I didn’t ask you if it was okay, much less if you felt the same way, and I just...today is a really bad day, huh?” he chuckles, but there’s no humor behind the words at all. “It’s really not your fault. Please don’t blame yourself because I didn’t know my limits, okay?”

Reluctantly, Gonta nods. “The kiss...Gonta does feel the same,” he admits, and Shuichi’s lips part a bit in surprise, his eyebrows raised. “But Gonta not think it very healthy for either of us to do this right now. Gonta not want anything to interfere with Shuichi getting better, and if that mean Shuichi need Gonta to go away for a little while so Shuichi can focus on himself, then Gonta will call Kaito. Just say the word.”

“I love you,” Shuichi says instead, and Gonta goes bright red. “N-No, not like that, I mean—! AH! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that out loud, I—! Oh my God, you must think I’m absolutely insane, I am so sorry, that was just really sweet and you’re a very heartfelt person and it’s hard for me to—! Ugh, I’m such a fucking mess, I’m so sorry.”

Gonta can’t help the tiny giggle that leaves him. “Ah, no, Gonta not laughing at Shuichi!” he says quickly once he sees the dejected look on Shuichi’s face. “No, no, Shuichi just being very cute, and Gonta just think you very, very charming, that all! But maybe...maybe Shuichi  _ does _ need a break from Gonta. Just for a little while.”

Smiling sadly, Shuichi nods. “Yeah, you’re probably right, I-I should really try and focus on bettering myself,” he says, and Gonta beams at him. “I think I should be the one to call Kaito. If I’m going to start doing things for me, I might as well, right?”

He’s never felt more pride in Shuichi.

*****

The next time he sees Shuichi is on his birthday. Which, he now knows, is the first anniversary of The Thing That Gonta Doesn’t Like To Talk About. He’s nervous, but he’d managed to find another one of those antique  _ Sherlock Holmes _ books, and he’s pretty sure Shuichi’s going to like it. He hasn’t seen Shuichi in over a month, but they’ve been texting almost daily. It’s a bit hard for Gonta to text—he’d much rather call, given his hands are generally too big for the tiny phone keyboards—but Shuichi is definitely worth the effort.

Plus, Gonta’s pretty happy to be spending his evening doing something other than scrubbing animal tanks clean. Not to mention, Kirumi had essentially moved in during Gonta’s absence, and he’ll be getting a break (as much as he hates referring to it as that) from Ryoma and Kirumi’s consistent flirting. He loves his friends dearly, he really does, but he honestly can’t stand to hear another pet name come out of either one of their mouths.

When he gets to Shuichi’s building, it’s almost like coming home, weirdly enough. He rings the buzzer, and he’s almost immediately buzzed in, though he hears something over the intercom and he can’t quite make out what it is. They still haven’t fixed those rusty doors, so he opts for the stairs, per the usual, and heads to Shuichi’s apartment. He doesn’t bother knocking, since Shuichi had said Kaito’s leaving the door unlocked for guests to come in.

As soon as he opens the door, he’s tugged into a tight hug, and he can’t really tell who it is until he spots Kaito by the chaise, shaking his head. “Ah, you’re here!” Shuichi says, laughing as he squeezes just a bit tighter. “I’m so happy you could make it! I was so worried you wouldn’t come, even though I knew you would—I dunno, it’s weird, but come in! Kaede brought cake when she was over earlier, if you want any.”

He takes Gonta’s hand and leads him over to the kitchen. Gonta’s surprised at how much he’s moving. Shuichi beams at him and hands him a slice. Gonta hands him the gift in return, and Shuichi blinks, as though he hadn’t been expecting anything. “Open it! Gonta tried to find the second one in the series, but he could only find the third,” he explains, and Shuichi tilts his head in confusion.

Shuichi takes the wrapping paper off and his eyes go wide. “Gonta this is...how did you even  _ find _ this?! The first editions are so hard to find! I thought they were all in museums or something, this is amazing!” he says, and Gonta starts to explain, but he finds himself speechless at the look on Shuichi’s face.

For the first time, Shuichi looks...healthy. His cheeks are full and rosy, he’s smiling with the very corners of his eyes crinkling up, and the bags under his eyes have nearly disappeared. Shuichi’s hair is shiny, too, and he’s standing up straight, and Gonta has to try really really hard not to cry at how proud he is of Shuichi.

Kaito seems to be able to sense his struggle, and so he takes up the mantle of speaking. “I’m glad you’re back, this one has been complaining about my cooking,” he teases, jabbing a thumb in Shuichi’s direction. Shuichi rolls his eyes, but he’s still smiling, and Gonta can’t help but laugh, just a little bit. Shuichi hasn’t taken his eyes off of Gonta. “I’ll give you two a minute.”

With that, Kaito heads into the hallway, and Shuichi takes a tentative step forward, setting the book down on the counter. Gonta smiles nervously, and Shuichi reaches up to cup his face in the most gentle of touches. Gonta sets down the plate of cake, and Shuichi immediately envelops him in another tight hug.

“I missed you. A whole lot,” Shuichi mumbles into his chest. Gonta wraps his arms carefully around Shuichi’s waist and presses a gentle kiss to the top of his head. Shuichi hums. “And thank you. For coming.”

“Of course! You not have to thank Gonta, it your birthday, of course Gonta was gonna come visit Shuichi,” he says, his awkward laugh resonating through both of their bodies. Gonta runs a hand through Shuichi’s hair; it’s almost sinfully soft, and he sighs as Shuichi settles into him. “Um, you wanna cuddle…?”

Shuichi lets out a tearful laugh, and Gonta’s eyes go wide. He hadn’t realized Shuichi had started to cry. “You know, I don’t think Kaito would be too opposed to a week or two off,” he jokes, and Gonta pulls him back just slightly to wipe the tears from his cheeks. “I mean, only if you want to stay with me for a while. I know we didn’t exactly leave off during the best situation.”

Biting his lip, Gonta nods. He doesn’t like remembering that day. He figures he should get his emotions on the table before they decide anything, however. “Um...Shuichi...you sure you want Gonta staying here? Gonta’s feelings for you not changed, s-so if that make you uncomfortable, then—mmph!”

He’s cut off by Shuichi’s lips on his, and he practically melts into the kiss. This one feels calm, like a night in the forest where Gonta can count every star he can see in the clearing, and Shuichi seems just as tranquil as Gonta is if his leaning in further is any indication. Gonta vaguely registers the door opening, but it’s quickly shut again. He has to stifle a laugh at how absurd they must look to Kaito.

When Shuichi finally pulls back—and it’s been a while—he grins mischievously up at Gonta. “I’m wearing the sweatshirt you left behind, by the way,” he says, toying with Gonta’s lapels. “It still smells like you...be prepared to have a lot of your clothes stolen, by the way, they’re very comfortable and I feel really cute in them.”

“Shuichi look very cute,” Gonta tells him honestly, and Shuichi laughs softly, tucking his face into Gonta’s chest. “Gonta not seen you this happy in a long time...you honestly feeling good about yourself, Shuichi?”

“Honestly…? Yeah. You really had it right on the nose. I needed to learn how to hold on for  _ me. _ And, I mean, obviously I’m still learning, and it’s going to be hard, but I think I can do it. I really want to. It’s not  _ just _ for you,” he says, “but you’re a big part of it. I don’t want you to feel obligated to stay just to make sure I don’t...in any case, I’m getting better so that my happiness is my responsibility only. At least, that’s how Dr. Tsumiki puts it.”

Gonta tilts his chin up very delicately and leans down to press another kiss to his lips. “Gonta would love to stay,” he says, and Shuichi lights up like a Christmas tree.

*****

It doesn’t take too long to move Gonta’s stuff in, given that he’d left a bunch of things in their apartment anyway. Shuichi insists on helping, but Gonta doesn’t want to set his nerve damage off again, so he opts for giving the lightest boxes to Shuichi. Ryoma, Kaito, and Kaede all help move him in, and soon enough, Sherlock is hopping around on bug terrariums and pawing at the suits hanging in the closet.

Shuichi starts looking for a job again after another month, and he finds one with a tiny floral arrangement company while he waits to hear back from different detective agencies. Gonta still feels weird about leaving Shuichi to go to work, but he feels much better when they start leaving and getting home at the same time. More often than not, Shuichi meets him in front of their building with a bouquet of flowers, and Gonta has him put them in a vase while he cooks dinner for the two of them.

The first few weeks of Shuichi’s job, Gonta had had to take him out for lunch to ensure he’s been eating, but when Shuichi started to lovingly pack them both some sandwiches for their office lunch breaks, Gonta realizes he doesn’t have to worry about that anymore. He doesn’t have to worry about a lot of things anymore, come to think of it.

Sure, Shuichi has his off-days, but they’re no worse than Gonta’s own, which is miles better than those apathetic, numb days from the beginning. There’s nightmares, lots of them, but now Gonta doesn’t have to stop crying before Ryoma and Kirumi come running into his room, and Shuichi doesn’t have to worry about feeling bad for waking someone up. They hold each other; they’ve started to talk about the contents of the nightmares, too, and sometimes when Gonta drives Shuichi to Dr. Tsumiki’s office, they’ll invite him in to share about them. Sometimes, Shuichi even shows off his latest drawings. Most of them are happy now.

Gonta’s turning out to be Sherlock’s favorite, which Shuichi loves to tease him about. When they’re snuggled on the chaise, Shuichi sitting in Gonta’s lap as a movie plays, Sherlock likes to push her way in between them and meow and paw until Gonta’s attention finally turns to her and she can get the pets she so desires.

“She’s actually stealing my boyfriend,” Shuichi says one night, rather indignantly as Sherlock purrs and rubs her head against Gonta’s jaw. Gonta lets out a booming laugh as he scratches Sherlock behind the ears. “I can’t believe that a  _ cat _ is stealing my boyfriend.”

As if on cue, Sherlock mews loudly and swishes her tail across Shuichi’s face. He sputters, wiping the fur off of his mouth. “Here, Gonta can get it,” he says, leaning across the chaise to sweep his thumb across Shuichi’s bottom lip. “Ah, Shuichi got it all.”

“I dunno, I think you should probably kiss me to make sure,” Shuichi mumbles, glancing away and back again. Just as Gonta leans forward to give him one, Sherlock swats at Shuichi’s chin, and he flinches away. “Oh, you have  _ got _ to be kidding me.”

They both burst out laughing, and Sherlock thankfully has the bright idea to get out of the way as Shuichi wraps his arms around Gonta’s neck and pulls him in close for a kiss, shifting himself back into Gonta’s arms. “Love you,” Gonta murmurs, pressing another kiss to Shuichi’s cheek.

“Love you too,” Shuichi whispers, yawning the moment after. He snuggles closer to Gonta and tucks his head into the crook of his neck, toying idly with a few stray strands of his long, curly hair. “You wanna head to bed?”

“That prolly a good idea,” Gonta hums, picking Shuichi up and carrying him to their bed.  _ Their _ bed. It still feels good to refer to it like that. He lifts the covers for the both of them and they snuggle up even closer, completely enveloped in each other. “G’night, Shu.”

“Goodnight, lovebug.”


End file.
